You’ve known for a long time that this wasn’t working. You’ve made excuse after excuse for how you got here, but now it is time to make a move. But let me tell you, getting out is NOT something you do on a whim. I really wanted to share this with you, because being on the other side of a bloody mess of a divorce, I would give ANYTHING to take a time machine back to where I was before starting to move and tell her just one thing….

“YOU NEED A PLAN CHICK!”

Divorce was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. What makes it even more difficult is that you need to make some of the most life changing decisions in the midst of it when your emotions are through the roof. Staying level headed is easy to say but damn if it wasn’t hard to execute.

DIGITAL SAFETY

When you are ready to move on your journey to freedom, one of the first actions needs to be shoring up your digital presence. Take your time doing this because you don’t want to miss ANYTHING.

• Change your main email address for all divorce communications

• Disable your GPS tracking (If this is something you have shared between you)

• Inventory any shared photo albums that may be syncing

• Consider opening a Google number that is for private communication (This is free!)

In my case, my ex and I didn’t share much digitally, as he was already a secretive person…(gee, I wonder why). But things like my tablet or laptops were locked down with passcodes. He would get upset for me not using his favorite passwords, mostly because he wanted to be in on everything. When I tell you, digital protection will be the main strategy to keep you protected from your abuser getting the scope on the plans you are making.

ASSET ASSESSMENT

Who’s name is on the lease/mortgage? Which debts are you paying and who is liable? Who is the beneficiary on the life insurance and how much is it? There are SO many questions to answer when it comes to asset division in a divorce. But here is where I think so many people get their wires crossed. The court does not cross emotional abuse and asset division when it is time to rule on divorce. Having a clear picture of asset division outside of what has happened emotionally is how you stay grounded going into these arguments.

Ask yourself now, “Do I know the laws for property division in my state?” I would stress the importance of this one because understanding the limitations on how the court will assess who gets what will help you prepare. There are two main methods for asset division in most US States.

Community Property: There is a mandatory 50/50 division of assets regardless of the financial factors between the parties.

Equitable Distribution : The court can decide what is considered fair per the facts of the case and divide assets as they see fit.

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This is where I really would have moved differently in my divorce, as I was in a state that did Equitable Distribution. While I accurately showed that I had indeed endured the absolute worst financial situation imaginable by being the sole breadwinner and debt holder for 15-years, I didn’t magnify his abusive nature and behavior enough. Being ashamed of how much infidelity and emotional abuse I endured made me hesitate to bring it up. Not wanting to sound like “just an angry woman” made me hold back the reality of our marriage, and possibly could have swayed the court’s opinion of my ex. And this leads me into another element of preparation that I wish I would have dug into more, proof of his real behavior.

DOCUMENT HIS BEHAVIOR!

Sister-vivor…..your future self will THANK you for making sure you take the time to document your abuser’s behavior. For one, the gaslighting you’ve endured has compounded over time, and you may have forgotten how bad things really are. Keeping receipts is protecting you from being labeled the ‘crazy one’ that isn’t remembering right.

That cell phone in your hand is your best friend in this effort. Take advantage of the commonality of people holding their phones all the time, and hit the record button, every time. I started doing this later in the marriage, when I really started to realize that his number one strategy was to ‘not remember’ anything he said during our arguments. I would recite specific promises he made, and if it was incriminating against him it was turned against me as untrue. So, not only for my sanity, but for my evidence to family and friends that I was really dealing with a bad situation.

One other way of documenting my ordeals was to seek input from a professional. I spoke with the chaplain and I got his take on things. He pretty much confirmed what I was experiencing as abuse, giving me the validation that I needed to confirm my need to move. While it can be helpful to have the opinions of family and friends, a professional opinion could potentially be used as evidence if you need it in a courtroom. And speaking of courtrooms, be sure to research the laws in your state for the use of recordings in court proceedings. Be sure to protect these files on cloud drives and with passwords and such. If I had never been wise enough to record these incidents, I never would have been able to make a case to anyone that knew us about how bad of man he really was. And personally, I plan to ALWAYS keep those recordings, they are my benchmark for how far I came in my survivor journey.

Preparing for a divorce is scary and intense, especially when dealing with the elements of abuse. Remember, your abuser has an unhealthy attachment to you and will rebel against the idea that you are trying to get away from them without their “permission”. Even the abusers that are dismissive of their victims want to have full control of how things pan out, even the separation part. Part of having good preparation is KNOWING your abuser, knowing how divorce works, and learning how to move strategically in your methods of getting to freedom. At the end of the day, you can’t expect to get your victory without mapping out what steps to take and preparing for the worse, while hoping for the best. Whatever your tactics, remember to put one foot in front of the other… and DON’T….LOOK….BACK.

Steffie Jean-Lee is a survivor of domestic abuse and coercive control. She is the founder of SJL C.E.O Society and has a personal mission to share her testimony with others that may be lost in the fog of abusive relationships and employment. All advise given on this platform is meant to encourage survivors to educate and free themselves of their trauma, while encouraging recovery efforts.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

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Thank you Webster for such a dainty definition of Fear, but I think it is definitely lacking the robust meaning of that word. In fact, if I could, I would add this phrase right behind that in the official dictionary:

“A tactic often used by abusers to encapsulate their targets”

When my mother testified in my divorce, I asked her (being that I was my own lawyer), what did she see when I spoke with her about my marriage issues… “......Fear…. Intense Fear in your eyes”. I’ll never forget that, because it was the first time that an outside person actually vocalized what I was truly feeling inside. My ‘loving’ husband had managed to instill so much fear that it was spilling out onto other people. What was I afraid of, you ask? When it comes to a narcissist, the ‘what’ is almost irrelevant. Because they will use literally anything to create that leverage and rent space in your brain.

By the time I had gotten to this point in the marriage, my fear came from not wanting my marriage to fail, and hearing my husband degrade me with insults. I had spent years wanting so badly to have his approval and validation that it actually shook me to potentially piss him off enough that he lashes out. My ex was a good talker, one that could hit your achilles with zero remorse to win the argument, then tell you how “you caused me to do that”.

Fear is the default ‘big gun’ in a narcissist’s arsenal. They must work hard to manufacture situations, real or not, that can manipulate their victim into complying with their desires. They’ll use the fear of loss, lack of resources, embarrassment, financial strain, and many other elements as a weapon against you. And come in close ladies, listen carefully…… Your Fear IS Valid!

But what I want to focus on is what I think is the true definition of Fear.

F - Fake

E - Evidence

A - Appearing

R- Real

Counterfeit, bogus, false, misleading, deceptive….. This is the truth of a narcissist’s tactics in using fear to control you. They paint the picture they need in their head and push that fantasy narrative on everyone, making their false persona so amplified that it is all you can see. I can recall feeling fear not because I was physically afraid for my life (at least some times), but because he made sure that he talked big about what ‘could happen’ if I didn’t do things right.

“ I’ll take these kids from you, you’ll never find us”

“ How about I tell your family about….*something private*”

“ This whole thing blew up in your face because you planned this argument, you are provoking me to hurt you”

“ Keep going, keep talking and see what happens to you”

“ If you ever tried to leave, I’ll make sure I take you for everything I can get…” (this was one promise he absolutely kept)

The phrases could go on for days, but what is the center idea? He is literally the big scary Wizard of Oz when he’s squaring up in conflict, but in truth is a skittish man behind the curtain. Without the smoke, mirrors, scary voice and rumors, the Wizard of Oz was really just a regular guy riding the high off how much people feared him.

And the same is true of your narc. I’ll borrow a phrase I’ve heard from people in AA, “think through the drink”. This is when an alcoholic truly slows down to evaluate the consequences of having a drink BEFORE they slip. The same kinda goes for us in the realm of DA survival, ‘Think through the threat’. In my recovery, I started asking myself:

• Could he REALLY take my children from me? I could get the police involved and he wouldn’t get far so, probably no.

• I earned my own money, was he really able to stop me from spending as I desired? Not really, considering I had full access to protect it as I needed.

• Could he really get my family to turn against me? Well I happened to have a lot of love with my family, and I’ve never lived with the fear that they would judge me.

• If I did leave, would the financial torment he threatened be unshakeable? I had to decide that money was not a reason for me to stay, and anything he would do to me financially I’d have to trust God that I’d recover.

By taking more time to think through the randomness of these threats, and being mindful of what the real truth is, I found a way to see some light in the darkness. Girl, this was NOT easy. Narcissists normally are quite capable of spewing toxicity in a very believable way. But it isn’t a common thing for narcissists to truly think through every circumstance to the end. We have to be smarter than them, taking the time to realize that the ghost of threats is just that, a ghost, which has no power to actually hurt you.

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Steffie Jean-Lee is a survivor of domestic abuse and coercive control. She is the founder of SJL C.E.O Society and has a personal mission to share her testimony with others that may be lost in the fog of abusive relationships and employment. All advise given on this platform is meant to encourage survivors to educate and free themselves of their trauma, while encouraging recovery efforts.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

There is nothing more frustrating than having someone ask you a question like, “Why didn’t you xyz to stop them from doing abc?” And after some angry outbursts, I realized they were actually right. In fact, I now know that it is more emotionally productive to work on amplifying your skills behind detecting and avoiding toxic people before they can suck the life out of you.

The only thing is, toxic people normally have the most incredible acting skills. In some capacity, they are aware of their issues, and probably notice that they keep losing people. And being that their number one fear is being rejected, they will turn on the ‘normal’ up to the highest volume, making it hard to tell what the truth is in the noise.

So let’s talk about being on your P’s and Q’s as far as detecting what toxic looks like. I can warn you right now, it is not as simple as hearing a typical phrase, or getting a dirty look. Toxic people can smile and hang better than most, so you need to concentrate and dig into figuring this out, for the sake of your peace!

Toxic Detection 101(My rule, 3 strikes and they are out):

Boundary Testing: They consistently push your limits, mocking your boundaries or dismissing your concerns as you being “too sensitive” or “overreacting”.

Part of being a toxic aggressor is keeping as much access to your source as possible. This requires ignorance of limits, and disregard for any expression of frustration. So take note of how often a person seems bothered that YOU are bothered by them.

The “Blame Shift”: Their apologies come with explanations that redirect fault onto you, or you find yourself having to defend yourself in arguments that they initiated.

Toxic offenders put little to no energy into accountability. They will however be super passionate about what YOU did wrong, or how their wrongdoing is a direct result of your action. Ask yourself how often you’ve been in a disagreement with this person and it starts with you demanding justice but then ending with you apologizing to them for ‘causing this’?

Passive-Aggression: They handle conflict through the silent treatment, cold distance, or sideways compliments wrapped up as jokes.

This trait I like to call the “bait and switch”. When a toxic person needs ammo for a conflict, they will often resort to stonewalling or cold-treatment. As the empath, you are going to gravitate towards wanting to reach for them, or you may have a sharp reaction, giving them exactly what they wanted. Beware of the passive aggressive nature of toxic people, as this is always laced with negative intent.

Selective Accountability: They hold you to an impossibly high standard while rarely taking responsibility for their own mistakes.

If you only remember one thing about toxic people, accountability is not in their vocabulary. Accountability requires acknowledging a wrong action, recognizing the effects of that action and feeling responsible for remediation. None of that is recognizable to toxic minded individuals. And to add insult to injury, they expect full accountability to be had by everyone around them. Carefully observe the dynamic of accountability in your relationships, and take note of the people that seem to struggle with saying two little words, “I’m Wrong”.

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Walking on Eggshells: You find yourself actively editing what you say or do just to manage their moods and avoid a negative reaction.

In a normal healthy relationship, you wouldn’t find yourself editing your conversations on a regular basis. But when you are dealing with a toxic person, you will often find yourself tip-toeing around things, and tailoring responses to cater to them. This can actually backfire over time, as you slowly drift away from being totally honest about what is true and then fall into a habit of dishonesty. And mark my words, you will not have peace when you’ve begun to live in a habit of dishonesty.

Public vs. Private Discrepancy: They are incredibly charming and reasonable in public or on social media but become dismissive, cold, or critical in private.

For toxic people, their image is everything that truly matters. They have perfected the mask they wear in public. But its heavy on them, and they will eventually need to crash from the facade and that’s when you see the real person, in private. The hot/cold dynamic is mentally jarring, keeping you from feeling true peace in your daily life.

Detecting toxic behavior is not easy, but there normally are red flags. Being empathic individuals, we like to give the benefit of the doubt. But the truth of the matter is, toxic people often are so adept at hiding the truth of their character that it can be a challenge to pick up on the toxicity early on. It actually requires that you drop some of what you see as normal relationship behavior on your part, and being more a detective. You’ll find your peace when you properly develop skills of peace protection.

It is 2026 ladies and gentlemen, protection of peace and wholesome real relationship is a non-negotiable. There are too many ways to distance yourself from unhealthy people, places and situations. And if you ARE in a place where you need to engage with toxic people, the work to keep distance needs to be done internally. Remind yourself how to engage without getting involved. Find your method of protecting your insides from someone’s attempt at poisoning you. It may cost a relationship, which is not something that should be taken lightly. But I would rather not keep you as a friend than spend every day worry about how valid our relationship is and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

Spiritual Abuse Changes How We See Ourselves

The most dangerous thing abuse stole from me wasn’t my peace. It was my vision. I stopped seeing myself as God’s daughter and started seeing myself through the eyes of the husband that was hurting me.

I began to believe:

• I’m too sensitive.

• I’m hard to love.

• I’m not a good wife.

• If I were more submissive, this would stop.

• God must be disappointed in me.

Over time, identity becomes shaped by criticism instead of truth. It is my personal opinion that attempting to rob anyone of their security in Christ is the highest form of abuse and offense. Jesus had many incidents in the bible where he condemned the abuse of the weak. One of the most notable being in John 2:13-17, where Jesus ransacked a temple where the wealthy religious authorities were using the temple as a corrupt marketplace, specifically exploiting the poor and preventing Gentiles from having a peaceful space to pray. So essentially, a stronger party was barring a weaker party from feeling free and secure in their faith with God. This is similar to a husband creating mental and spiritual barriers to his wife when it comes to her freedom in Christ.

Christian Women will stay in abuse thinking God wants them to.

With these scenarios, the abuser weaponizes the word to create guilt behind any desire the victim may have to resist their controlling nature. They will say things like:

• “God hates divorce.”

• “A wife must submit.”

• “Marriage is hard.”

• “Pray harder.”

But rarely hear:

• God never authorizes cruelty.

• God never commands abuse.

• God never requires a woman to become a doormat.

This is something I am extremely familiar with, as my abuser was a legalistic, judgemental Christian. This combined with his mother issues, I was in a situation where his entitlement, combined with the challenge of being required to submit , per God’s Word, left me without many options. As a Christian woman, I wanted to please my God. I also knew how important marriage was, and I wanted to resist any attacks or temptations by the enemy. So naturally, I wasn’t trying hard enough right? I was the problem because in his very strong ‘I’m a better Christian than you” opinion, I could not be in God’s heart if I wanted to break up our marriage. There were endless nights I spent in my prayers, in my journals, and in my tears, stressing over whether God will love me when all I could think about was being free of this man. I went to church, I prayed, I read my word, and I reached for God countless times, crying out for mercy related to how I was feeling toward my husband.

What God Actually Says About Husbands/Wives and Worth

Ephesians 5:28-29

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they fed and cared for their body.”

I can definitively say that I NEVER would have stayed with this man 15-years if I had truly recognized my worth and value in the eyes of God. One of things I like to say today is, “I was worth dying for, and I’m going to live like I am”. When I tell you, I had to WORK HARD at getting this to stick in my head. Because narcissists will make you feel like you are being prideful and cocky for boosting your self worth ideology, but I encourage you to push through that. Lack of self-worth is the open door for a narcissist to overtake you. So pour your energy into syncing your self-worth with who and what GOD SAYS you are, not the demonic energy of a narcissistic abuser.

Jesus saw you, your life, and said “She is worth this trip to the cross”.

Colossians 3:19

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

Not only did God say husbands were to love their wives, he told them not to be harsh with them. What’s amazing about God is that He also tells wives to respect their husbands, which naturally comes when a woman gets love first. So, the balance of care is always there when God’s word is truly followed.

1 Peter 3:7

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect...”

Spiritual abusers are avid users of God as a weapon and a form of security for their victims. If they don’t have other means like money, property or resources, they will use God as a last resort to keep you locked in a mental and spiritual prison. But, much like Jesus flipping tables, you can break free from this. I want to leave you with some reminders that I would encourage you to to repeat daily:

Jesus has created a path directly to God, the Father. Nobody gets to control my path to Him.

I was worth Jesus dying, the highest of heavenly prices was paid for ME, so I will walk in that value.

God’s love is about protection, growth and safety. It is NEVER about allowing harmful dominance.

God does NOT play about His children. I will never allow any person to create a barrier or limits on my relationship with God and my value in HIS love.

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If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

At about year 10, right after the twins were born, I noticed dark circles forming under my eyes. I had been looking at myself in the mirror all my life and this was definitely something new. At first I thought, well it’s just age and it’s my time to start showing my ‘40’. I thought this all the way up until just a year ago, 3 years after being free from my abuser… and I saw less darkness in my eyes. Then it hit me, back then I had gotten comfortable with seeing myself damaged, not realizing the truth underneath, that I was falling apart. I woke up to realize that he had programmed me to be just like him….and I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

True healing from a toxic relationship or circumstance first takes recognizing that you have lingering issues. You have to clean the mirror to see the problems before you can really fix them right? While it is tempting to sink into your ‘normal’ and say things like “This is just the way I am”, I would encourage you to dig a little deeper and think.

• Don’t you want change? You are tired, drained, and distant. You’ve probably lied to yourself for a long time about what is really going on and maybe it is time to look deeper.

• You left for a reason, what is that? Do.Not.Forget…. Ever. Especially when the forces of flying monkeys and hoovering come to challenge your ‘why’. You must always be able to recall why you left so your mind will not let you go back.

• Are you still moving the same as you did when you were there? What is your day to day life? Are you eating the same? Not working out? Continuing the same life routine you did while you were there? Isn’t it time for a new life ‘normal’ ?

• Literally look in the mirror, are you standing the same, dressing the same? Maybe the narcissistic abuser never like you to dress a certain way, or wear your hair a certain way. Have you explored what you really feel comfortable with as far as how you carry yourself?

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Unfortunately, I do not have an easy solution for you here. There is none. Opening your eyes to how you’ve been affected by the abuse you’ve suffered is a bit like ripping off the bandaid. Not only is it painful, but what you see underneath is probably not pretty.

So let’s change our mindset with the first of many thought provoking statements and actions.

1. Healing is not an aesthetically pleasing experience, it is one of the ugliest and most necessary components of a healthy life.

2. Lying to yourself about how bad it is, helps nobody. Be Honest!

3. Practice taking inventory of what is directly around you. Be specific about this!

   1. I live in a nice home

   2. I have a good job

   3. It is a sunny day outside

   4. I can call a friend if I want to

4. Eliminate excuses to be stagnant from your language. Only positive words should be coming from your mouth.

5. There is no deadline to be ‘normal’, but don’t take forever either.

Your identity was re-written to be the source for your abuser. If I were you, I’d spend ALL of your time working towards a refreshed, God-given identity that is just you. No catering to others, no emotional gymnastics, no lying about being ‘ok’ when you aren’t. Cut out the external influences, the urges to be a people pleaser and dare to be just a little bit……selfish. Yes, I said selfish. Because in a season where your core has been shaken, and it is hard to understand what you really want out of life, turning inward and talking to God is the only way through.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

Let’s be real for a second: dealing with a covert narcissist is exhausting all on its own. But the absolute wildest part? The realization that they rarely work alone.

Most of us know “flying monkeys” as the creepy minions from The Wizard of Oz who did whatever the Wicked Witch of the West commanded. But if you have ever survived a toxic relationship or family dynamic, you know that flying monkeys are very real—and they don’t have wings. In the real world, flying monkeys are the blind loyalists, enablers, and groupies who hang around the narcissist and do their bidding.

I had my own taste of flying monkey attacks, from just a few of the so-called “friends”. Side note, these friends don’t really make an effort to keep contact with me today. I’m merely taking a stab at it but, I’m guessing it is because they were “Our Friends” not “my Friends”.... And that kinda sucks.

Some of these people were just being nosy, curious as to what was happening in my house and why. Others were actually playing ‘phone tag’ between me and my ex, asking many dumb and intrusive questions. They worked hard to try and convince me that God wanted me to work it out and he wasn’t that bad of a guy….which was laughable to me.

Who Are These People?

You might find yourself wondering how perfectly normal people get sucked into the narcissist’s web. The truth is, flying monkeys are entirely willing to buy into the narcissist’s illogical thinking, pass along gossip, and openly support the mistreatment of the narcissist’s targets.

Experts actually refer to these enablers as “mini narcissists”. They lack analytical thinking and empathy, preferring not to give themselves a headache by questioning the toxic behavior right in front of them. Instead, they operate on a highly hierarchical mindset—they figure out who the “general” is, and they service that person to stay in their favor.

Sometimes, flying monkeys are manipulating family members or friends who think they are being helpful. Covert narcissists are incredibly skilled at playing the victim, subtly planting seeds of doubt with innocent-sounding phrases like, “I just want what’s best,” or “I’m trying, but they make it so difficult”.

The Hidden Trauma

Having someone you love turn against you is one of the most painful tactics in covert narcissism. Over time, you can find yourself feeling incredibly isolated and completely abandoned by those closest to you.

Family members often align with the narcissist simply because it is easier to accept a twisted narrative than to face a painful reality. But being on the receiving end of this betrayal is devastating. In fact, this specific type of isolation and manipulation can actually trigger or deepen Complex PTSD (CPTSD), eroding your self-worth and your ability to trust others.

How to Protect Your Peace

If you are dealing with a narcissist and their recruited flying monkeys, you have to prioritize your own mental health. Here is how you can start taking your power back:

• Set Hard Boundaries: Limit what you share with anyone aligned with the narcissist. Remember, not everyone deserves access to your inner life.

• Detach Emotionally: Narcissists and their loyalists thrive on getting an emotional reaction out of you. By responding with calm clarity and minimal details, you strip away their power.

• Join “Team Healthy”: Embrace your independence, even if it means you end up on the outside of their toxic club looking in. Stand up for dignity, respect, and civility, and choose to simply opt out of their games.

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Healing from this kind of betrayal requires community and genuine support. Seek out friends and allies who truly understand your journey and won’t be swayed by someone else’s manipulation.

Have you ever had to deal with a flying monkey? Drop your experiences in the comments below—let’s remind each other that we aren’t crazy, and we definitely aren’t alone.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

My Story…..

Finances were truly the centerpiece of my marriage. While I knew it was important to find a joint system, my ex seemed to be unusually obsessed with what my financial status was, and how much access he had to it. He said constantly that ‘we’ should make a certain investment, or it was time to purchase one thing or another. And before I realized it, years had passed and I had purchased 3 cars, 2 houses, opened a series of credit cards, and my retirement never made it past $35,000 due to constant borrowing. ‘We weren’t combining much of anything, in fact, none of our household debt was in joint names. Our system was to solely rely on my credit score and my income, with him being in control and ordering what could or couldn’t happen with the money.

Needless to say, my marriage wasn’t the healthiest display of balance between a married couple with their finances. Because money is such an important part of all our lives, it is very important that we not only respect each person’s monetary needs, but also mitigate the stress that could come from managing it.

When “Protection” Became Control

In a landmark interview with Oprah, author Belle Burden reflected on her financial awakening following the collapse of a 20-year marriage. She identified a seductive trap for survivors: “the luxury of not knowing.” While it may feel romantic to be “taken care of,” Burden warns that the flip side of protection is control. When you surrender the big picture to a partner, you surrender your agency.

Burden advises survivors to listen for the “whispers” that indicate a partnership is tilting toward control rather than collaboration:

• Tactical Prenuptial Changes: Look for last-minute revisions to legal documents. Burden specifically highlighted a change where assets earned during the marriage were not split unless affirmatively placed in joint names—a technical detail that can systematically deplete a partner’s long-term security.

• Asymmetrical Transparency: One spouse monitors the other’s personal spending down to the cent while remaining vague about their own income, assets, or financial health.

• The “Hysteric” Label: If you raise financial concerns and are met with “you’re crazy” or “you’re overreacting,” it is often a tactic used to dismiss the narrative and maintain a vacuum of information.

Addressing Past Debt and Financial Infidelity

A healthy “Financial Enterprise”—a term for your partnership—cannot be built on secrets. Financial infidelity, characterized by deceit such as hiding accounts or secret spending, often stems from conflict avoidance or a desire for self-protection. For a survivor, being accountable for your history is a step toward reclaimed power.

A Step-by-Step Guide to the Debt Conversation

1. Start Early: Discuss finances as soon as the relationship becomes serious, ideally before cohabitation or marriage.

2. Own the Narrative: Be accountable. Disclose past debts immediately to build the trust necessary for the relationship to survive.

3. Collaborate on a Plan: Decide together if you need professional debt settlement, consolidation, or a joint budget to tackle balances as a team.

4. Create a Structural Budget: Use budgeting as a neutral tool to assess health and eliminate the stress of the “unknown.”

Yours, Mine, and Ours

To avoid “financial suffocating,” a hybrid approach is the gold standard for survivors. This structure ensures you maintain an “autonomy fund” (often referred to as an exit fund in protective states) while still participating fully in the partnership.

The Hybrid Structure Checklist

• Joint Account: For the “Ours” bucket. Used for non-discretionary household bills (mortgage, utilities, groceries) and shared goals.

• Individual Accounts: For the “Yours” and “Mine” buckets. Used for “fun money” and personal debt obligations. This prevents the need to “check in” for every purchase, preserving dignity and independence.

• The Proportional Split Formula: To calculate your fair share, use the following: (Individual Income / Total Household Income) x 100 = % Responsibility

Example: If you earn $4,000 and your partner earns $6,000 (Total $10,000), your responsibility is 40%. On a $2,000 rent, you pay $800.

The Monthly Money Date

A “Money Date” is a scheduled, intentional time to ensure you are on the same team. Follow this 7-step checklist:

1. Review Last Month’s Spending: Focus on alignment with your shared values.

2. Check Shared Savings Progress: Visualize your goals (e.g., emergency fund, travel) to build momentum.

3. Identify Upcoming Big Expenses: Look ahead 30 days for irregular costs like insurance or gifts to remove the “surprise” element.

4. Celebrate a Financial Win: Share one personal win (e.g., “I resisted an impulse purchase”).

5. Confirm Bill Status: A quick housekeeping check on utilities and mortgage.

6. Review Debt Payoff Progress: Look at current balances compared to last month to stay motivated and celebrate the decreasing debt.

7. The Stress Check-In: Ask: “Is there anything money-related causing you stress right now?” This prevents tension from building beneath the surface.

Choosing Joy and Clarity

The transition from “not knowing” to “knowing” is a profound act of self-reclamation. As Belle Burden shared, there is a specific form of joy that comes from replacing a “nub of worry” with clarity.

In your new partnership, it is time to move the spotlight. Shift it away from monitoring your partner’s behavior and place it firmly on your own well-being and your shared goals. This clarity is “better than everything lost.” It is the foundation of a life built on agency rather than dependency. Money should not be worshipped or valued more than your marriage. It is important to find a way to make sure your home is taken care of, that both parties are contributing and that money is never used as a weapon. Remember, money is a tool, nothing more.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

I used to think “gold diggers” only existed in catchy hip-hop songs or bad reality TV. I certainly never thought I would become the victim of one. But when you’ve been through the emotional and financial wringer like I have, you quickly realize that financial exploitation in relationships is very real, and it’s a profoundly damaging form of abuse.

When we picture a financial predator, society usually paints a very specific picture: a young woman pursuing an older, wealthy man. But my experience—and the actual data—tells a surprisingly different story. A staggering 54% of self-proclaimed gold diggers are actually men. In fact, researchers have identified a rising trend of the “sensitive” male gold digger. These are people who present themselves as vulnerable, empathetic, and emotionally intelligent to mask their true financial motives and exploit their partners.

What hurts the most about this kind of abuse isn’t just the drained bank accounts; it’s the cold, calculated deception. Science backs up exactly what I felt during the relationship: gold digging is strongly linked to the “Dark Tetrad” of personality traits—psychopathy, narcissism, Machiavellianism (cynical manipulation), and sadism. Researchers have found that these individuals actively and willingly sacrifice genuine emotional intimacy just to extract resources from you. They are master manipulators who use their charm to make you think they care, when all they really care about is your bank balance.

Looking back, the red flags were waving right in front of me, but I was too emotionally invested to see them. If you are navigating the dating world, watch out for these distinct tells:

• The constant financial crisis: Once they have you hooked, there is always a sudden “emergency”—a broken car, a medical bill, a lost phone—designed to test exactly how much you are willing to pay to keep them around. For me, this was the collapse of one of his main client incomes. He suddenly didn’t have any way to take care of paying his rent…so there I was to rescue him.

• A shady career with expensive tastes: They sport designer labels and demand luxury dates, yet have a sparse employment history and zero professional goals of their own. My ex loved to buy the most expensive tech he could find. His computers and equipment were always the biggest and baddest thing he could get, which always seemed to be on my credit card, or a credit line I needed to open.

• Warp-speed commitment: They try to rush relationship milestones, pushing for marriage or a baby because establishing legal ties or child support secures their permanent access to your wealth. We were engaged at 62-days, and married after a total of 8-months. He kept saying “I don’t like calling you my girlfriend, it feels cheap”....so we rushed to the altar, not a year after going on our first date.

Some people will try to excuse this behavior by saying, “Well, everyone wants a stable partner!” But as someone who has lived through it, let me tell you: wanting a stable partner and being a gold digger are completely different things.

A stability-seeker wants a partner so they can pull their own weight together and build a secure family. A gold digger operates on sheer entitlement; they expect you to pull all the weight while they contribute absolutely nothing. Even in the world of “sugar dating,” genuine sugar babies operate on mutual transparency, emotional investment, and clear boundaries. Gold diggers, on the other hand, rely entirely on deception, ghost you when you try to set financial limits, and treat the relationship as a one-way transaction.

If my story sounds familiar, you need to protect yourself. Establish strict financial boundaries early. Limit your joint financial obligations—do not open joint bank accounts or sign joint credit agreements, because you will be held legally liable for their debts. If you’re getting serious, protect your assets legally with a pre-nuptial or cohabitation agreement so there is a clear plan if the relationship dissolves.

Don’t let someone’s charm make you feel guilty for protecting what you’ve worked so hard to build.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

“I don’t want to scare him off because I asked God for this.”

Prenuptial….’ Insurance’

You buy insurance because you hope you don’t need it. You never know when a storm, earthquake, car accident, or fall down the stairs is going to change your life. So just in case, they have insurance to make sure that recovering from that life crash is not as difficult as it could be. So why don’t they change the name to “PreNuptual Insurance?” Just in case your flawed human selves can’t keep this union afloat, nobody has to have a rough landing. I think this is a good idea, but somehow the message of self-protection has been reframed as being ‘selfish’. In my experience, I was so blinded by the desire to have love that I let his insistence that we didn’t need legal protection feel like leadership. Here are a few FALSE mentalities that women believe when they are being convinced not to ask for a prenup:

• “If something happens, the courts will divide it equally.”

• “We should be in love enough that we don’t need this.”

• “Marriage is about trust. Why don’t you trust me?”

• “You handle so much, dear, let me worry about the money, and I’ll take care of you”

• “You don’t love me as much as you love your money.”

Which one of these narratives was presented to you? What made you believe in it, and how could a ‘prenuptial insurance’ policy have changed your life at the end? When researching this topic, I saw one very constant thing amongst the women with this story. They all said a version of this phrase:

“I went along with it, because I wanted to please him”

So I want to specifically address this because I definitely don’t believe it is wrong for you to want to please a man (or woman) that you feel love for. That’s natural, and God built us that way on purpose. Where I think the narrative breaks down is that we are diving into the desire to want to please them before we know everything, and that is a tragic flaw. Financial abusers are very much about the long game when it comes to their objectives. My ex was slow but calculated in his tactics of ensuring that, should I decide to leave him, he would be able to gouge as much as possible on the way out the door.

I had played the juggling act of keeping our household finances afloat, was robbing Peter, John, and Mary to pay Paul, and was busy trying to keep his expectations alive. This got so bad that my parents had to start supplementing for things I wanted to purchase, because I couldn’t dare ask permission to buy something big, no matter how much money I made. My normal life was to ensure every bill was paid, every debt was handled, make sure HE got an allowance, and have an explanation for everything when he started digging into my accounts. I had worked so hard for so long, and sometimes I just wanted a little treat for myself. When I brought those to the table for discussion, he would talk me out of it, or put a requirement on it before I was ‘allowed to buy’. But best believe, when he wanted something, there better be money there on the spot for it. A few things I didn’t catch until the end were:

• He had access to credit cards that were in my name only. He would use them but never help pay them.

• He made excuses every time it came to taking on a new financial obligation, making sure his name was never on the account, but making sure he had access.

• My credit became “Our credit”.

• My retirement was treated as an additional credit line and an option for big purchases.

• I needed permission to open new accounts, even in my own name.

• He picked fights any time the subject of his getting a job came up.

As I continue this series, I’m delving deeper into not only the monetary damage from financial abuse but also the psychological effects of being a victim. Please share your story, as this is the only way to bring enlightenment to such an important subject in a relationship.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

Financial abuse is the use of money or financial resources to coerce, manipulate, threaten, or control another person. Most of the time, financial abuse is discussed from the perspective of a woman being deprived of access to money in a relationship where she is dependent on her partner for survival. This is most definitely financial abuse, and can be the scarier kind, to be honest. But for this post, I want to highlight financial abuse from the perspective of the person making the money. For more modern-day women, this is the more common story. Women in the 21st century are running toe-to-toe with men in the money-making department and, more often than not, are solid breadwinners for their families. And in situations such as this, the form of financial abuse is different, with a much more mental component to it. I learned this… unfortunately, the hard way, and I want to share it with my fellow C.E.O.s who can relate. What does it look like when you live in fear despite being able to financially support yourself?

“If you really feel that bad, make sure I have access to your bank account.”

When I met my ex, I was an independent single mother of one child. I lived in a 3-bedroom townhouse and, for the most part, was financially self-sufficient. Now I’ll admit I wasn’t the wisest with money, but I was still able to sustain my life without anyone helping me financially. My ex was an independent worker, with his income from sporadic jobs and projects. He was accustomed to working this way and seemed to know more about money than I did. Because I had steady corporate employment and my income was significantly higher than his, it seemed the right thing for me to maintain our lives as a baseline, so he could build his business without worrying about survival. This sounds great, only there was a catch.

This idea that I would support him while he worked hard to build a solid business evolved into my role as the sole breadwinner. He slowly began to lose his clientele, making excuses for not wanting to work with them anymore. At the same time, he had a grand vision of where and how we should live. He began pushing agendas for a home purchase… new vehicles (for him, though, not me), and grand vacations. I went along with it because we were a family, right? But what I didn’t notice was that every one of these endeavors came with a price tag that landed squarely on my shoulders. I bought the houses, the cars, the rentals, every credit card, store card, and every load against my retirement was driven by his desire to live that way and his ability to talk me into agreeing with it.

As the years progressed, the nuances of the relationship evolved into more controlling patterns in our home. My credit became “our credit”, with him making it a habit to constantly check my credit report. Every check ended in an argument and a threat to take away comforts because of what he saw. And let me just say, punishments could come if a credit card was too high or if he didn’t approve of my transactions. There I was, a six-figure earner supporting our entire family and even sometimes his family members and friends, but I had my husband checking credit card statements for disapproval.

Financial abuse can sneak up on you. In fact, I think financial abuse is one of the most covert forms of abuse, because it is often disguised behind elements of your life. In my case, I felt I was being a supportive wife by taking the financial load for him. I couldn’t imagine, in that moment, that I was being set up to be someone’s resource rather than their wife. So here are some ways you can recognize the red flags before it’s too late:

• Your paycheck becomes something you need permission to access.

  This was definitely my story. If I wanted to avoid an argument, I would not spend money without asking him. If you find yourself asking like a child to make a purchase, this may apply to you

• Debts and purchases are always on you legally, with them making the decision to spend

  Something I didn’t catch was who was signing these debts. It was always on me, on my credit, and didn’t require any contribution from him. Take a look at your debt situation top to bottom. Are things never in joint name? Do you not have access to what is legally his debt, but he has access to yours? Did they make the decision to spend money on your debt or have access to your credit?

• Your partner equates relationship actions to your financial contributions

  This one is borderline with spiritual abuse for me. Because my partner and I are Christians, he tied my financial behavior to the relationship. If I didn’t follow him accordingly, ‘God wouldn’t bless me’. If your partner treats money as a gateway to having access to love or companionship… this is a clear sign of abuse.

• Your accounts and spending are closely monitored and challenged

  If your partner demands to scrutinize and challenge every purchase you make, this is financial abuse. While it is not abnormal for a household to work together toward financial objectives, a person should not be degraded or made to feel fearful about how they spend their money.

Most of the battle of financial abuse, from the seat of the breadwinner, is centered around the mental battles you’ve endured. You gave money because you cared or because you felt responsible. You must remember that it isn’t your fault that someone took advantage of you and your assets. When you realize that your relationship is more transactional than you realized, getting away can be challenging but necessary. I encourage you to fight like hell to get away, because gold-digging abusers tend to be hella resilient in trying to keep their golden goose connected.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

DEFINE RUMINATION

Rumination, by definition, is a repetitive, intrusive, and negative cycle of thinking centered on past circumstances or uncertainty about future events. This habit is often linked to impactful events in someone’s life, where the outcome was either out of their control or negatively consequential due to their mistake. For example, you may meet someone for the first time and later obsessively think about whether you impressed or didn’t impress them. I have yet to meet a fellow survivor of domestic abuse who is not a consistent ruminator. In fact, it is my personal opinion that PTSD from these situations is directly correlated to how long and often a person ruminates about their circumstances.

My experience with rumination really comes from my family. I had a very large extended family (Grandmother was the baby of 13) with cousins for miles! Whenever we got together, there would always be memories and stories being told about the past. My grandfather would pride himself on knowing how all the folks were related, their names, and everything. So I definitely developed a habit of looking back. And that is ok, for circumstances like family reunions or for remembering how you learned a hard lesson so you don’t repeat it. But when it came to my abusive marriage, rumination was a habit I didn’t exactly need.

It was like a ninja, sneaking up on me at times I least expected. Folding clothes, cooking dinner, watching TV… driving. And my rumination would eventually escalate to talking out loud to……nobody. I’d start replaying conversations, arguing with him again in my mind, and playing a scene in my head where I said something different this time. Next thing you know, I’m down a rabbit hole of the past that it’s hard to pull out of. Now my mood has shifted. I have tears welling up in my eyes, or I’m grouchy, and the people immediately around me are wondering if I’m ok. Can you relate to this? Battling and re-battling in your mind to the point of exhaustion? Or how about obsessing about what someone is thinking about you, or saying about you? Your thoughts drift to your last interaction with them, and now you are taking it apart, every intonation and reflection scrutinized. Ma’am, (because I know we women do this crap more than men) let me tell you….. No, this is not ok.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT CONSTANT RUMINATION

If you have taken an honest look at yourself and have come to the conclusion that you are indeed a toxic ruminator, it is now time to make the choice to get out of your own head.

MINDFULNESS

This was something my counselor opened my mind up to. She asked me why I wasn’t paying attention to certain things that were in front of me. She actually assigned an exercise to have me list all the positive present events and people in my life, and to go into great detail about each of them. Ultimately, I became more aware and present in every situation. Being intentionally mindful calms the Default Mode Network in your brain, as doctors call it. This is what I like to call your thought ‘neutral gear’ or where your conscious mind goes when there is nothing prevalent happening to you. So I’d definitely start working those mindfulness muscles, and start to slow down, look around, and let your present situation lead your thoughts instead of drowning in the wandering thoughts of the past.

EXTERNAL POKES

I love that our smartphones have technology that lets you limit the time you spend on certain apps. You can set it to stop you from doomscrolling all day, getting lost in a bunch of distractions that don’t do anything good for you. How about we try doing this with our bad rumination habit? Sometimes you just need a gentle push in the right direction, a reminder, a friend,...even signs on the wall in the house that inspire you not to sit there and stew.

HAVE SOMETHING TO DO!

Lately, I’ve started trying to follow what some YouTube gurus say and put the screen away before I go to sleep. Instead, I pick up a book, maybe write in my journal, or study a Bible scripture. The same advice applies to those of us who use still time, like right before bed, to drown in negative thoughts. I can remember times early on in my divorce where I would lie down for bed, and instead of something calming and positive, I lay there in a funk, sometimes in tears, thinking about the past pain. Start taking note of times when you could replace rumination with something that helps with your healing. That could mean having a book on you at all times to read, picking up the phone to call an accountability partner, or even a playlist that changes your mood. Idol hands are the devil’s workshop, right? Don’t give the thoughts as many chances to catch you; fight back with positive, energizing thoughts.

Have you allowed yourself to drown in the negativity of the past for too long? What habits can you put in place to give yourself the mental space to heal and rise above the temptation to ruminate about your trauma? I’d love to hear your stories on this! Please leave a comment down below and consider subscribing to Steffie Jean-Lee!

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If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

You can reach the **National Domestic Violence Hotline** at **1-800-799-SAFE (7233)**, text **START to 88788**, or chat at **thehotline.org**.

If you are in immediate danger, please call **911**.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

When I decided to end my marriage, I expected heartbreak. I expected the long nights, the tough conversations, the paperwork, and, most obviously, my ex's reaction.
But what I didn’t expect was how complicated things would get with our mutual friends.

No one talks about that part — how divorce doesn’t just separate two people; it ripples outward. It touches everyone who’s been a part of your life — people who have celebrated your ups and downs, your happiness and your tragedies.
For me, that meant a lot of people I loved suddenly felt awkward around me. Some disappeared. Others didn’t know what to say. Some had hurtful opinions. And some? I’ll never know how they feel because we haven’t spoken.

At first, I felt abandoned all over again. I needed my friendship circle more than ever and expected them to just roll with the punches.
But then I started to look at it differently.

Read more

Being a six-figure girl, I’m used to having to work hard and exude energy. I’ve found that giving the best of myself to everyone else has a limit. That limit is whatever mental gas I have in the tank. When you are determined not to fail at something and you are an ambitious woman, draining every bit of your energy seems like a no-brainer. I mean, of course, I’m going to work hard till I drop for the feeling of victory at the end.

But recovery is a whole other endeavor that I never considered. It is long, draining, and it seems like you aren’t making progress, no matter how hard you try. Ok, I don’t want you to be discouraged by this! Recovery is definitely worth it. But this is really a reality-check post, acknowledging the work part of recovery. So what is my advice on this? We have to be granular in our thinking about what we can handle in a season of recovery.

The whole premise of starting this substack was to acknowledge that even powerful women need to balance their time and energy to get through the grueling reality of mental abuse recovery.

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Here are some of my suggestions for protecting your energy in this season:

1. Be very intentional about rest - Rest should be a non-negotiable, especially now.

   When you were a victim of abuse, rest was a luxury. You spent a lot of your days stressed, overthinking, and likely not getting enough sleep. Rest is one of the most important parts of your survival and should take a front seat in your recovery efforts.

2. You CANNOT operate alone right now; ask for help.

Girl, I don’t care how strong you are; in this season, you are most definitely at one of the weakest points of your life. If you don’t reach out to someone, you’ll set yourself up for failure. God did not design us to be alone; community will be part of the success seen in your journey. Reach out for good people, and lean into being taken care of. As scary as that sounds, your isolation keeps you a victim; the community frees you from that.

3. Flying monkeys need to be eliminated… PERIOD

   One of my favorite content creators made a video in which she recited her right to remove someone from her life. I must have played this reel 50 times, because I needed to memorize this for the flying monkey attacks I’ve endured. For those who don’t know, ‘flying monkeys’ are the people in your life who interject their opinions about your relationship with the narcissist and interfere in your efforts to recover from it. An example of this would be a friend that critisizes your decision to leave, or a relative who works overtime, pointing out every negative aspect of your circumstances. These people need to be eliminated from your daily circle ASAP. Recovery is a sensitive process. The last thing you want is a person who is working to influence you to return to an abuser. Let the door hit em’...... You know the rest.

4. Be cognizant of rumination habits

This one is personal. Because I come from a family that relishes remembering the past in great detail. Ruminating about what happened is something that I was raised to think was normal. So you can imagine how it fits into recovery, right? But let’s be clear about what rumination is versus just remembering. Rumination is the obsession of recalling and mentally replaying events in your life, often associated with trauma. For me, that manifested as a habit of replaying old memories and arguments, sometimes out loud, and changing the outcomes. I like to think of rumination as remembering a fantasy, only to be disappointed when you wake up to reality. This habit is hard to break, but so freeing when you do. My suggestion? To practice mindful thinking. Being in the moment on purpose and participating in your surroundings will help to alleviate the temptation to sit and cycle through thoughts that are keeping you handicapped. Journaling is something that can take the rumination pressure off as well, giving your brain the satisfaction of getting the thoughts and feelings out of your head and keeping you from going over it again and again

Your energy is crucial to your recovery in this delicate season. One good blanket rule for this? Pay. Attention…… Period. Your self-care was abandoned when you became someone’s supply; it’s time to make deposits back into that account.

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If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available

One way to deal with overwhelming emotions is to find a healthy way to express yourself. This makes a journal a helpful tool in managing your mental health. Journaling can help you:

• Manage anxiety

• Reduce stress

• Cope with depression

• Process life events

• Document your personal progress

When you have a problem and you’re stressed, keeping a journal can help you identify what’s causing that stress or anxiety. Once you’ve identified your stressors, you can develop a plan to address the issues and reduce your stress.

Being someone’s narcissistic supply is a heavy weight to carry for many reasons. The longer the system stays in place, the more it seems like they can’t survive without you and therefore must control you. So, privacy? Yeah, that becomes a thing of the past. For me, it was my friends and my money that he refused to leave alone. So, to give myself space from him and everything else, I started journaling again. In my journal, I could win the argument, tell the truth about what happened to me with no recourse, and, most importantly, avoid conflict with a man who thrived on arguments. My journals started turning into prayers, talking directly to God about what was going on and how I was feeling. But more importantly, they were creating a chain of truth that would come back to my reality later, at just the right time.

Just like so many other narcissistic abuse victims, I checked myself over and over when things fell apart at the end of my marriage. Asking myself if I made the right decision, or if it was really as bad as I remembered it. Then I heard God say, “Why don’t you read your journal?” and that broke me. I read my own words, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, tear-stained pages that would not let me see anything but the realization that things really did happen the way I remembered….in fact, it was worse.

“I feel I’m not good enough as a wife because he complains about our sex. I’m not good enough as a mom because he picks on my methods of mothering. He really doesn’t seem to care that I’m breaking under his scrutiny,” - August 10, 2019. This was 2 months after having twins at 38.

“I cry every day now because of something he has said or done. I can’t talk to him about it; he doesn’t care about how I feel.”

“I don’t feel any type of confidence anymore. I suck at everything. I can’t breastfeed my babies right, I can’t satisfy my husband, I can’t do my job……”

Guys, it went on for pages like this… across the span of years. The particular journal I have here is the one I started after my late-in-life twin pregnancy, where I was in the most delicate of conditions. Many of the entries talk about how I wished he would be more sensitive to me, try to understand how hard the whole ordeal was for me physically, and how that didn’t mean I didn’t love my babies. My journal reminded me that the birth of my twins led me to the truth, which led me to freedom.

How Journaling has helped in the aftermath.

Journaling about my life after freedom has been monumental in my recovery. It has helped me to take a proper inventory of my progress, which can be hard when you’ve been through trauma. It has also helped with understanding the details of what I am dealing with, specifically behind certain events. While it definitely helps to have a therapist analyze your situation, reading your own words can give you true clarity on how you need to work through your own healing. My journal has become my record of how I’ve grown, giving me insight into my own internal changes. This is something you likely won’t detect unless an outsider tells you about it. And finally, the most important reward from my journal is the ability to see that my decision to leave my abuser was the right thing. It feels good when someone compliments your hard work on yourself, but it feels amazing when you can see that work for yourself.

So I encourage you to find a way to journal yourself through this change in your life. Your experiences today are more valuable to future you than you could ever imagine.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911. God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

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Share Steffie’s C.E.O Society - 'Crowned, Empowered Overcomer'

I was married to my narcissistic husband for a total of 15 years. Of course, as his wife, it was expected that I would know him intimately. Besides knowing his favorite foods or the names of his friends, I also knew his personality intimately. Over time, his narcissistic personality would take more of a presence in our relationship, causing me to adjust repeatedly to accommodate it. I stopped questioning his judgment, centered my daily life around satisfying him, and didn’t question his selfish behavior.

What I didn’t realize over the course of time was that I was beginning to isolate myself in a way that would appear to be narcissistic later in my free life.

• Self-Centeredness: At first, thinking of taking care of myself seemed like righteous behavior. But the more I sank into the anger from my abuse, what I saw as righteous self-care was drifting into self-centered behavior. I struggled to be happy for others, sometimes only wanting to talk about what negative thing was happening to me. Wow, that is hard to write, but this time is for being transparent, right? Please do not get me wrong, I fully agree that someone under the cloud of narcissistic abuse deserves time to pour into themselves and find new life. I just know that everything comes with balance. Did I deserve to pour into my new self? Yes. But did I want newer, better relationships with my friends and family? Also yes. That requires learning how to relate again and finding the good in people after being so blinded for years.

• Negative Mentality: Years of not seeing peace in my daily life made me a… ‘Negative Nancy??’ Everything was doom and gloom. Again, I wasn’t even aware of being like this till someone pointed out that I didn’t celebrate any of the good things they had just excitedly told me about. I will tell you, negative thinking is like an addiction; this habit was hard to admit to and hard to break. I found that mindful speaking was my first step toward making a change. Listening to hear and process before listening to respond made a huge difference in my mentality. Now, I’m not always one to rain on someone’s parade.

• Never saying No: As the subject of a narcissist’s supply, I was groomed into always being available, always wanting to bend over backward to please him. I sought that validation and found small dopamine hits when I got scraps from him. This grooming built a habit of never saying no to anything. I was always available, always made money, time, or resources appear, whether I really could or not. I wanted easier days and to avoid arguments as much as possible, so this man got everything he asked for at the moment. Now that I’m free….I’ve continued this bad habit in my new life. It manifests when I’ve overbooked myself or made a commitment I’m not really interested in. Learning to say no has been life-changing and scary for me. Doing too much was all I knew.

There is no magic sauce behind changing bad habits. You can only change bad habits with good habits, bolstered by good mindsets. To be fully transparent, I am still working on this. But one thing that has helped me with stopping these behaviors is accountability and journaling. I established tools such as a habit tracker and daily journaling about my life to give myself a lens to see the truth. I also forced myself to take heed to what people around me were saying. Remember, the fog has lifted in your life…. And there will be truths exposed that are hard to swallow. But change is good, and the first sign of true healing.

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If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available

So you are ready to move on from a narcissistic relationship. But you know this habit of being “too hard” has grown within you. Can you learn to make room for the possible future? Have your efforts to be independent backfired, and now you can’t move on with someone new?

Let’s talk about toxic independence—because it’s real.

What is Toxic Independence?

Toxic independence is the mental train of thought that tells you nobody can be depended upon.

When a person has endured neglect or emotional abuse, this mindset doesn’t just appear—it forms as protection. But when it comes to narcissistic abuse, it goes even deeper. Victims will do anything to avoid being verbally attacked, dismissed, or emotionally unsafe. Over time, independence becomes less about strength… and more about survival.

Why Narcissistic Abuse Creates This

Fear of being criticized for reaching out

You learn quickly that asking for help can come at a cost. When your thoughts, needs, or concerns are met with sarcasm or dismissal, you stop reaching. Not because you don’t need support—but because the emotional risk becomes too high.

Repeated disappointment

When someone consistently promises support but fails to deliver, your brain adapts. You stop expecting anything. You build backup plans. You learn to rely only on yourself—not because you want to, but because you feel like you have to.

Fear of being controlled

Control doesn’t always look obvious. Sometimes it shows up through finances, decision-making, or subtle restrictions. Over time, even when you are capable and independent, you begin to feel like asking or depending equals losing control.

The Problem No One Talks About

At some point, what protected you… starts limiting you.

You stop asking.
You stop trusting.
You stop allowing support—even when it’s safe.

And now, even in healthy environments, you’re still operating like you’re under attack.

Breaking this mindset isn’t just about “letting people in.” It’s deeper than that.

It requires:

• retraining your thinking

• recognizing your patterns

• and intentionally practicing something your brain no longer trusts

In the subscriber section, I’m going to walk through what this actually looks like in real life—including the exact habits I had to unlearn and the steps I’m still actively practicing to change this pattern.

Breaking this mindset is hard—there’s no other way to say it.

For me, this has been one of the longest and most difficult parts of recovery. Because toxic independence doesn’t feel like a problem at first. It feels like strength. It feels like control. It even feels like safety.

But over time, I realized something uncomfortable:

I wasn’t just protecting myself—I was isolating myself. I had to make some changes in order to see a change in mindset.

Read more

“You are on your own with that.”

Those words echoed in my mind long after they were spoken. Something shifted inside me that day. I understood, with terrifying clarity, that if I didn’t find my way out of the life I was living, I might not survive it emotionally — or spiritually.

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Who I Am…….as a Survivor

Hi. I’m Steffie Jean-Lee.

I’m a Christian, a mother, a writer, and a survivor of domestic and emotional abuse. I believe that when God allows us to survive painful circumstances, it is often because our testimony will help someone else find their freedom.

My journey into narcissistic abuse recovery didn’t happen overnight. It was shaped by years of putting my life on hold, giving more than I had, and becoming deeply accustomed to shrinking myself for others' comfort.

Eventually, I looked in the mirror and saw a woman who was completely drained. That was the moment I knew something had to change.

Rebuilding My Identity After Emotional Abuse

Creating the identity “Steffie Jean-Lee” was part of reclaiming myself.

For years, my desire for expression had been suppressed. Stepping into visibility felt terrifying and freeing at the same time. Healing required both big changes and small daily adjustments — learning to recognize unhealthy thought patterns, redefining relationships, and rebuilding a sense of personal worth.

As I began this process, I noticed something important.

There were many resources explaining narcissistic abuse. But there were far fewer conversations about what recovery actually looks like in everyday life.

How do survivors rebuild routines?

How do we form healthier relationships?

How do we move forward in careers, faith, and family life after trauma?

Why I Created This Platform for Abuse Survivors

This space exists to focus on renewal.

Not just understanding abuse — but understanding what comes after survival.

I want to explore how survivors can build new normals, unlearn survival habits, and create healthier futures. This includes making difficult decisions about who remains in our lives, what patterns we release, and how we move forward with purpose.

I call this community C.E.O.s:

Crowned. Empowered. Overcomers.

Because being targeted by narcissistic or emotional abuse is not the end of our story.

Recovery is where a new story begins.

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