Tina Turner was a singer, songwriter, actress and author. Dubbed the "Queen of Rock 'n' Roll", she broke both racial and gender barriers in rock music with her vocal prowess and stage presence. She is one of the best-selling music artists of all time, with estimated sales of over 100 million records worldwide

The Misconception of Who Endures Abuse

When October arrives and we mark Domestic Violence Awareness Month, society often pictures a specific type of victim: someone frail, isolated, or lacking resources. We tell ourselves that financial independence, talent, or a fierce personality create an invisible armor against domestic abuse. But the truth is, no matter how high I soared in my corporate career, home was the same. In fact, it only got worse the more that the outside world saw success in me. Much like Tina, who was a dominant force on stage, at home, she was degraded and abused in stark contrast to who she portrayed. What is the lesson here? Powerful women can also be abused.

I was a six-figure earner, with a college degree and military background. I came from a family of people that valued education and direction. Though not perfect by any means, I didn’t struggle with knowing if I was loved. I eventually would grow into a woman that, on the surface, was strong personality, not taking crap from anyone. Other women would look up to me, asking my advise on how to be that way. I had all the good words, because I knew it deep within. However, my desire to be loved, have a partner to lean on and a family of my own gave me a vulnerability.

The spirit of abuse doesn’t ask for your resume, look at your accomplishments and run away out of fear. It finds where you are weak, and attempts to grow roots. I like to think of myself having a similar desire to Tina, to still be loved as a woman, a wife, and a mother despite being a popular and powerful figure in society.

A Global Powerhouse Behind Closed Doors

To the world, Tina was the Queen of Rock ‘n’ Roll—a force of nature who filled stadiums of 90,000 people, commanded global stages alongside legends like Mick Jagger and David Bowie, and exuded undeniable power, charisma, and sensuality.

Yet, behind that electrifying public image lay sixteen years of horror. She was subjected to brutal physical violence—having hot coffee thrown in her face causing third-degree burns, her jaw broken, her nose used as a punching bag, and being struck with a wooden shoe stretcher.

Her story reminds us of a crucial truth: domestic violence is not a sign of weakness in the survivor; it is an assertion of control by the abuser. Even the most powerful woman in the room can be trapped in a violent reality behind closed doors.

When I think of the pressure to appear ok, no matter what, when you know you are crumbling inside, I tear up. Tina had to wear a lot of abuse on her face and body. As a superstar, I can only image the stress of having to put makeup over black-eyes, explain damage to outsiders, and lie to people constantly about how she was really doing. But I don’t have to imagine that much, because I had to do some of that myself. Sure it wasn’t black eyes everyday, but rather the ‘invisible’ black eyes I had to hide. The blood shot eyes from crying when he had again verbally degraded me, disregarded my feelings, or just plain ignored something I needed. The lies had to tell to family or friends when it came to money I wasn’t allowed to spend, despite being the sole breadwinner. And the mountain of excuses I made every time someone pointed out something happening to me. As much as we saw the physical evidence on Tina’s face, the abuse she suffered behind closed doors was beyond measure, like so many other survivors.

The Hidden Chain: Financial Abuse and the Price of Freedom

We often hear people ask, “Why didn’t she just leave sooner if she was rich?” What many don’t realize is that financial abuse accompanies physical violence.

Despite generating millions of dollars and building assets like recording studios, real estate, and hit records, Tina did not control her wealth. Ike Turner maintained strict control over publishing rights and finances.

When Tina finally fled on July 1, 1976, in Dallas, Texas, after a severe altercation, she didn’t leave with bank accounts or security. She ran across a freeway to a hotel with only 36 cents in change and a gas station credit card in her pocket.

When their divorce was finalized in 1978, Tina made a deliberate choice: to secure her freedom and keep her stage name, she surrendered her rights to their shared properties, publishing royalties, and studio assets. On top of that, she voluntarily agreed to take on full financial liability for IRS liens and canceled tour contracts.

For nearly two years after leaving, the global star survived on food stamps, cleaned houses to pay her rent, and performed in small cabaret clubs just to pay off the massive debts from her marriage. Food Stamps….. She had worked almost 2 decades, toured the world and was a multi-million dollar breadwinner, but had no control over any of that. This part hits personal for me, because of all the abuse and neglect I suffered, financial was probably the worst of it all.

The control I gave over to this man, in the name of being a Christian wife, was huge. The dynamic of “You make the money but I manage it..” was eventually our norm. Yes, I physically paid all the bills, held every debt in my name, supplied every financial provision for our family and some of his, but deep down, I knew who was in control.

He checked my credit, regularly…because he had convinced me that my credit was OUR credit. When it was time to buy something big, car, loan, technology, or furniture, it was just expected that I was signing, all by myself. In hind sight, I realize this was to make sure that he had no legal responsibility to any debt, just the benefit of what it provided. The very definition of financial abuse or in this case, golddigging. Much like Tina, I was used for my talent and capabilities, then left with the financial turmoil in the end. Though she only had $.36 in her hand at the end, Tina felt more free than ever, which was priceless.

Reclaiming the Future: Rebuilding from the Ashes

Tina Turner’s story didn’t end at 36 cents or food stamps. She refused to see herself as a victim.

She picked up the pieces, worked tirelessly through her 40s, and launched one of the greatest solo comebacks in music history with her 1984 album Private Dancer. She proved that starting over at rock bottom isn’t the end of your legacy—it is the birthplace of your ultimate power.

Tina reminds us of one staple fact, when you are ready to leave an abuser, be willing to lose everything for your freedom. This hits home hard, especially when it comes to actual material loss such as what Tina endured. One content creator said it best: “When you are leaving a narcissistic or abusive system, be willing to lose everything and bullied on the way out the door. But also be prepared to be the lightest and most free you’ve ever been” I find it to be true that when you see an abusive relationship break up, it is often the survivor that seems to have the most visible glow-up. Because that true feeling of being free can’t hide from the world, it is going to show. Since I left my abuser, I’ve taken several vacations, cruises, and been very active in my day-to-day life. I plan activities for myself and my children, look forward to holiday times, and I’m finally learning how to romanticize my regular life. This didn’t come without a cost, mainly financial, as my abuser still continues to legally stalk my money with court filings. However, I’m learning how to be more detached than I ever was before.

To Anyone Reading This Who Needs to Hear It

If you are reading this today and feeling trapped, ashamed, or confused because you think you are “too strong,” “too smart,” or “too successful” to be in this position—please listen to me:

• Abuse thrives on silence and shame. It feeds on making high-achieving people feel like they cannot ask for help without losing their credibility. You must remember that before the big money job, the corporate business, or any other major role you have, you are HUMAN. And we are not built to do life alone.

• Leaving with nothing but your life is not a defeat. Tina left a fortune behind, but walking out with 36 cents made her richer than staying in a gilded cage ever could. Remember, freedom is never free in this world. To break away from a person that has gotten comfortable controlling you is going to take energy, effort and perseverance. Do.Not.Look.Back!

Your story is not over.

If my story or Tina’s story resonated with you today, know that you are not alone. Let’s use this Domestic Violence Awareness Month to speak up, support one another, and shatter the myth of what abuse looks like.”

Steffie Jean-Lee is a survivor of domestic abuse and coercive control. She is the founder of SJL C.E.O Society and has a personal mission to share her testimony with others that may be lost in the fog of abusive relationships and employment. All advise given on this platform is meant to encourage survivors to educate and free themselves of their trauma, while encouraging recovery efforts.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

If I’m being completely honest, when I was younger, “emotional immaturity” just sounded like some buzzword you’d skim in a psychology article and move past. I certainly didn’t think I needed to evaluate a man’s emotional mentality before standing at an altar and saying “I do”. But looking back now, the warning signs were right there from the start—we just have a habit of rationalizing them when we’re in love.

The “casual” comments that aren’t actually jokes

One of the first things I brushed off were the side comments. When people fight, sure, emotions run high and things get said poorly. But the real warning signs didn’t even happen during arguments—they happened in normal, everyday conversations. He’d drop slurs like “faggot” or casually throw around “retarded” as if no one cared, leaving me standing there pausing and thinking, “Did he really just say that?”

At the time, I passed it off as bad humor or sarcasm. But using sarcasm or crude jokes to hide disrespect or avoid being vulnerable isn’t harmless. It always turns into a major issue in the relationship down the road.

The argument shell game (when Item A turns into how you said it)

Then there was the way we argued. Whenever I brought up a genuine issue or made a solid point about his behavior, he would instantly shift the direction of the conversation. He’d move the goalposts mid-argument so fast that, before I knew it, we weren’t even talking about the original problem (Item A). Suddenly we were arguing about Item B, or I was forced to defend how I brought it up in the first place.

Instead of taking responsibility, he’d flip the script and tell me I was “overreacting,” being “too dramatic,” or literally “faking” my feelings. He’d even tell me not to say anything to him when I wasn’t perfect myself. It’s an exhausting cycle of blame-shifting where you’re constantly made to feel guilty for simply having feelings.

Sitting across from a brick wall

The hardest part, though, was the complete lack of empathy when things got painful. There were so many times after an argument where I’d be sitting there in tears, emotionally wrecked, looking right at him with bloodshot eyes. And he would just stare back at me—completely cut and dry, without an ounce of remorse or acknowledgment—and keep talking as if nothing was wrong.

It is horrifying to realize someone you love can look directly at your pain and feel absolutely nothing. An emotionally immature man expects you to constantly soothe his moods and validate him, but the moment you’re the one in distress, he totally checks out.

The rush to the altar and the baggage underneath

Looking back, another subtle red flag was how fast he wanted to lock things down. He refused to have a long courtship or even stay engaged very long; he insisted on rushing to get married as fast as possible. I realized later that this was tied to control and financial abuse, but it was also pure emotional recklessness—wanting the title of having a wife without understanding the emotional commitment it takes to actually sustain a marriage.

He also brought deep-seated maternal baggage into our marriage. He’d complain about his mother, telling me she never showed affection, never said “I love you,” and preferred his siblings over him. While that’s sad, the problem was that he projected all that unresolved rejection onto me. If I was exhausted or simply didn’t have the energy to drop everything for him, he took it as a personal rejection all over again. You can feel empathy for where someone’s pain comes from, but you cannot let yourself become the collateral damage for it.

My honest advice…..

If you take anything away from my experience, let it be this: emotional maturity isn’t just a nice perk in a partner—it is the foundation of whether a relationship can actually survive. When it’s missing, you end up bearing 100% of the emotional burden until you are completely burnt out.

If a man avoids real conversations, gets defensive every time you share a feeling, or rushes you into a commitment before you’ve seen how he acts when things get tough, pay attention. You deserve someone who can sit across from you, see your hurt, and actually care. Trust those quiet, subtle red flags early on—because your peace of mind is worth protecting.

Steffie Jean-Lee is a survivor of domestic abuse and coercive control. She is the founder of SJL C.E.O Society and has a personal mission to share her testimony with others that may be lost in the fog of abusive relationships and employment. All advise given on this platform is meant to encourage survivors to educate and free themselves of their trauma, while encouraging recovery efforts.

If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.

God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.

You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

Preparing is not the same thing as leaving—and the decisions you make before separation can shape everything that comes after.

Listen to me…….. if you are thinking about leaving a controlling, abusive…

Read more

I spent 15 years married to a gold digger. Our most explosive arguments were not about infidelity or even the usual family conflicts. Nothing made him more passionate—or angrier—than feeling shut out of my money. And to be clear, I wasn’t a stingy wife. I followed his lead when we made major purchases, gave him access to credit cards that were solely in my name, and even let him convince me that he was entitled to an allowance from every paycheck I earned.

Read more

A company faces an existential threat—technological disruption, a looming recession, or a failing business model. Anxious for a savior, the boa…

Read more

The Mask of the Corporate High-Performer

At the risk of sounding like a bitter person, it is my personal belief that corporate America is a breeding ground for narcissistic personality disorder. I’ve …

Read more

Going through a separation or divorce is far more than a legal transition; it is a battle for your reality that can turn your world completely upside down. It can feel like walking through a relentle…

Read more

Divorcing a toxic or narcissistic partner is more than a legal transition; it is a battle for your reality. I know what it feels like to walk on eggshells for years, developing a “small library of li…

Read more

Using this analogy, I feel like abuse victims often end up “leaping” from one abuse event to another, and their brain eventually starts to ‘swiss-cheese’. I found it harder and harder to keep up with how many goal post changes and redirects I got from my ex, which really set into my ability to recall each problem easily. My overall feelings were of course bad, but when I’d try to recall the specifics, sometimes it was hard.

Abuse normally starts the same for many of us. It starts with the love-bombing, the hoovering, the promises made. Your abuser puts the best bait on the hook and let’s just face it, we all fell for it. But once they are in, the next phase of control is almost always the same in every story, the emotional abuse begins. This is the most sneaky of them in my opinion, because you almost need another level of abuse to happen to highlight how far you have fallen emotionally.

When I think about this, it makes me angry and sad at the same time. Because I have to wonder how in the world could I have gotten to the point of feeling so dead inside without seeing how each piece was taken? Think about how many times you were forgiving despite being called out your name? Do you walk on eggshells, afraid to say things that will cause a fight? Hard to admit this but, I had developed a small library of lies that I would rotate, just to keep the peace, I know I’m not alone in this. If you find yourself having to manufacture the environment to keep the peace….you may be in the midst of emotional abuse.

So here is the thing, how do we show receipts for THIS specific type of very private, very hard to prove abuse in a divorce when your memory isn’t dependable? I’m not going to say that I have the answers to this. But rather, I encourage you to do everything in your power to TRY and get a record of what is happening to you. And even if it doesn’t have a specific place in the legal system, sometimes it is not exactly about the judge seeing things your way, it is more about proving to the rest of the world (AND YOURSELF) that it wasn’t just a nightmare, it actually happened. Because here is the other bite, our world has systematically oppressed whistleblowers, so getting people to believe and empathize with you, especially when the abuser is a man, is an uphill battle.

I started keeping track of things that were happening to me a few years before things really fell apart. Was it for the purpose of using it in court? Not really, it was more for the proof of sanity that I needed. Was I really forgetting that much? Was I as bad as he was saying I was? Didn’t I remember him saying that thing?

Learning how to discreetly turn my microphone recorder on my phone set me up to have more than enough receipts to validate what I had been through with my ex. When I had my collapse at the end of the marriage, I was able to play these recordings for my friends and family to prove that the stories I was telling were not just me being dramatic. I was actually hurting from real damage.

Privacy laws are sketchy depending on what state you live in. Some states don’t allow recordings in legal cases unless all parties know about it. Some states, like mine, allow one party consent. Basically, this means that at least one of the people in the recording needed to be aware it was happening. However, in most cases you cannot USE the recording in court for divorce proceedings. This really stung, like a lot. Because I had so many admissions by him recorded.

Read more

You’ve known for a long time that this wasn’t working. You’ve made excuse after excuse for how you got here, but now it is time to make a move. But let me tell you, getting out is NOT something you …

Read more

Thank you Webster for such a dainty definition of Fear, but I think it is definitely lacking the robust meaning …

Read more

There is nothing more frustrating than having someone ask you a question like, “Why didn’t you xyz to stop them from doing abc?” And after some angry outbursts, I realized they were actually right. …

Read more

Read more

At about year 10, right after the twins were born, I noticed dark circles forming under my eyes. I had been looking at myself in the mirror all my life and this was definitely something new. At first…

Read more

Let’s be real for a second: dealing with a covert narcissist is exhausting all on its own. But the absolute wildest part? The realization that they rarely work alone.

Most of us know “flying monkeys” …

Read more

Read more

I used to think “gold diggers” only existed in catchy hip-hop songs or bad reality TV. I certainly never thought I would become the victim of one. But when you’ve been through the emotional and finan…

Read more

Read more

Read more

DEFINE RUMINATION

Rumination, by definition, is a repetitive, intrusive, and negative cycle of thinking centered on past circumstances or uncertainty about future events. This habit is often linked to…

Read more