Are you being financially abused? How to recognize it
Financial abuse is not always about the withholding of money; sometimes it is about being imprisoned because someone has made you into a resource.
Bucks, cash, racks, bread, cheddar…….. Money. The value of money in a relationship, particularly a marriage, makes it a tool for control that often exceeds even sex. So it is no surprise that relationships that have any of the other 5 types of abuse often have a bit of financial abuse in the mix. So let’s start with definitions.
Financial abuse is the use of money or financial resources to coerce, manipulate, threaten, or control another person. Most of the time, financial abuse is discussed from the perspective of a woman being deprived of access to money in a relationship where she is dependent on her partner for survival. This is most definitely financial abuse, and can be the scarier kind, to be honest. But for this post, I want to highlight financial abuse from the perspective of the person making the money. For more modern-day women, this is the more common story. Women in the 21st century are running toe-to-toe with men in the money-making department and, more often than not, are solid breadwinners for their families. And in situations such as this, the form of financial abuse is different, with a much more mental component to it. I learned this… unfortunately, the hard way, and I want to share it with my fellow C.E.O.s who can relate. What does it look like when you live in fear despite being able to financially support yourself?
“If you really feel that bad, make sure I have access to your bank account.”
When I met my ex, I was an independent single mother of one child. I lived in a 3-bedroom townhouse and, for the most part, was financially self-sufficient. Now I’ll admit I wasn’t the wisest with money, but I was still able to sustain my life without anyone helping me financially. My ex was an independent worker, with his income from sporadic jobs and projects. He was accustomed to working this way and seemed to know more about money than I did. Because I had steady corporate employment and my income was significantly higher than his, it seemed the right thing for me to maintain our lives as a baseline, so he could build his business without worrying about survival. This sounds great, only there was a catch.
This idea that I would support him while he worked hard to build a solid business evolved into my role as the sole breadwinner. He slowly began to lose his clientele, making excuses for not wanting to work with them anymore. At the same time, he had a grand vision of where and how we should live. He began pushing agendas for a home purchase… new vehicles (for him, though, not me), and grand vacations. I went along with it because we were a family, right? But what I didn’t notice was that every one of these endeavors came with a price tag that landed squarely on my shoulders. I bought the houses, the cars, the rentals, every credit card, store card, and every load against my retirement was driven by his desire to live that way and his ability to talk me into agreeing with it.
As the years progressed, the nuances of the relationship evolved into more controlling patterns in our home. My credit became “our credit”, with him making it a habit to constantly check my credit report. Every check ended in an argument and a threat to take away comforts because of what he saw. And let me just say, punishments could come if a credit card was too high or if he didn’t approve of my transactions. There I was, a six-figure earner supporting our entire family and even sometimes his family members and friends, but I had my husband checking credit card statements for disapproval.
Financial abuse can sneak up on you. In fact, I think financial abuse is one of the most covert forms of abuse, because it is often disguised behind elements of your life. In my case, I felt I was being a supportive wife by taking the financial load for him. I couldn’t imagine, in that moment, that I was being set up to be someone’s resource rather than their wife. So here are some ways you can recognize the red flags before it’s too late:
Your paycheck becomes something you need permission to access.
This was definitely my story. If I wanted to avoid an argument, I would not spend money without asking him. If you find yourself asking like a child to make a purchase, this may apply to you
Debts and purchases are always on you legally, with them making the decision to spend
Something I didn’t catch was who was signing these debts. It was always on me, on my credit, and didn’t require any contribution from him. Take a look at your debt situation top to bottom. Are things never in joint name? Do you not have access to what is legally his debt, but he has access to yours? Did they make the decision to spend money on your debt or have access to your credit?
Your partner equates relationship actions to your financial contributions
This one is borderline with spiritual abuse for me. Because my partner and I are Christians, he tied my financial behavior to the relationship. If I didn’t follow him accordingly, ‘God wouldn’t bless me’. If your partner treats money as a gateway to having access to love or companionship… this is a clear sign of abuse.
Your accounts and spending are closely monitored and challenged
If your partner demands to scrutinize and challenge every purchase you make, this is financial abuse. While it is not abnormal for a household to work together toward financial objectives, a person should not be degraded or made to feel fearful about how they spend their money.
Most of the battle of financial abuse, from the seat of the breadwinner, is centered around the mental battles you’ve endured. You gave money because you cared or because you felt responsible. You must remember that it isn’t your fault that someone took advantage of you and your assets. When you realize that your relationship is more transactional than you realized, getting away can be challenging but necessary. I encourage you to fight like hell to get away, because gold-digging abusers tend to be hella resilient in trying to keep their golden goose connected.
If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.
God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.
I've had both experiences - one where I was the sole earner and he wouldn't get a job even though he had a law degree (courtesy of me) and now, where I was a SAHM to someone who earned well and is determined I won't see a dime and hid money and access from me pretty much since the beginning of the relationship.