F.E.A.R, Seeing through the narc behind the curtain
......what did she see when I spoke with her about my marriage issues… “......Fear…. Intense Fear in your eyes”
Fear : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger
Thank you Webster for such a dainty definition of Fear, but I think it is definitely lacking the robust meaning of that word. In fact, if I could, I would add this phrase right behind that in the official dictionary:
“A tactic often used by abusers to encapsulate their targets”
When my mother testified in my divorce, I asked her (being that I was my own lawyer), what did she see when I spoke with her about my marriage issues… “......Fear…. Intense Fear in your eyes”. I’ll never forget that, because it was the first time that an outside person actually vocalized what I was truly feeling inside. My ‘loving’ husband had managed to instill so much fear that it was spilling out onto other people. What was I afraid of, you ask? When it comes to a narcissist, the ‘what’ is almost irrelevant. Because they will use literally anything to create that leverage and rent space in your brain.
By the time I had gotten to this point in the marriage, my fear came from not wanting my marriage to fail, and hearing my husband degrade me with insults. I had spent years wanting so badly to have his approval and validation that it actually shook me to potentially piss him off enough that he lashes out. My ex was a good talker, one that could hit your achilles with zero remorse to win the argument, then tell you how “you caused me to do that”.
Fear is the default ‘big gun’ in a narcissist’s arsenal. They must work hard to manufacture situations, real or not, that can manipulate their victim into complying with their desires. They’ll use the fear of loss, lack of resources, embarrassment, financial strain, and many other elements as a weapon against you. And come in close ladies, listen carefully…… Your Fear IS Valid!
But what I want to focus on is what I think is the true definition of Fear.
F - Fake
E - Evidence
A - Appearing
R- Real
Counterfeit, bogus, false, misleading, deceptive….. This is the truth of a narcissist’s tactics in using fear to control you. They paint the picture they need in their head and push that fantasy narrative on everyone, making their false persona so amplified that it is all you can see. I can recall feeling fear not because I was physically afraid for my life (at least some times), but because he made sure that he talked big about what ‘could happen’ if I didn’t do things right.
“ I’ll take these kids from you, you’ll never find us”
“ How about I tell your family about….*something private*”
“ This whole thing blew up in your face because you planned this argument, you are provoking me to hurt you”
“ Keep going, keep talking and see what happens to you”
“ If you ever tried to leave, I’ll make sure I take you for everything I can get…” (this was one promise he absolutely kept)
The phrases could go on for days, but what is the center idea? He is literally the big scary Wizard of Oz when he’s squaring up in conflict, but in truth is a skittish man behind the curtain. Without the smoke, mirrors, scary voice and rumors, the Wizard of Oz was really just a regular guy riding the high off how much people feared him.
And the same is true of your narc. I’ll borrow a phrase I’ve heard from people in AA, “think through the drink”. This is when an alcoholic truly slows down to evaluate the consequences of having a drink BEFORE they slip. The same kinda goes for us in the realm of DA survival, ‘Think through the threat’. In my recovery, I started asking myself:
Could he REALLY take my children from me? I could get the police involved and he wouldn’t get far so, probably no.
I earned my own money, was he really able to stop me from spending as I desired? Not really, considering I had full access to protect it as I needed.
Could he really get my family to turn against me? Well I happened to have a lot of love with my family, and I’ve never lived with the fear that they would judge me.
If I did leave, would the financial torment he threatened be unshakeable? I had to decide that money was not a reason for me to stay, and anything he would do to me financially I’d have to trust God that I’d recover.
By taking more time to think through the randomness of these threats, and being mindful of what the real truth is, I found a way to see some light in the darkness. Girl, this was NOT easy. Narcissists normally are quite capable of spewing toxicity in a very believable way. But it isn’t a common thing for narcissists to truly think through every circumstance to the end. We have to be smarter than them, taking the time to realize that the ghost of threats is just that, a ghost, which has no power to actually hurt you.
Steffie Jean-Lee is a survivor of domestic abuse and coercive control. She is the founder of SJL C.E.O Society and has a personal mission to share her testimony with others that may be lost in the fog of abusive relationships and employment. All advise given on this platform is meant to encourage survivors to educate and free themselves of their trauma, while encouraging recovery efforts.
If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.
God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.