How I new habits helped me heal from narcissistic abuse
Humans are creatures of habit. Anything we are exposed to regularly becomes part of our personality, whether we intend it or not. This includes our experiences in abusive relationships.
I was married to my narcissistic husband for a total of 15 years. Of course, as his wife, it was expected that I would know him intimately. Besides knowing his favorite foods or the names of his friends, I also knew his personality intimately. Over time, his narcissistic personality would take more of a presence in our relationship, causing me to adjust repeatedly to accommodate it. I stopped questioning his judgment, centered my daily life around satisfying him, and didn’t question his selfish behavior.
What I didn’t realize over the course of time was that I was beginning to isolate myself in a way that would appear to be narcissistic later in my free life.
Self-Centeredness: At first, thinking of taking care of myself seemed like righteous behavior. But the more I sank into the anger from my abuse, what I saw as righteous self-care was drifting into self-centered behavior. I struggled to be happy for others, sometimes only wanting to talk about what negative thing was happening to me. Wow, that is hard to write, but this time is for being transparent, right? Please do not get me wrong, I fully agree that someone under the cloud of narcissistic abuse deserves time to pour into themselves and find new life. I just know that everything comes with balance. Did I deserve to pour into my new self? Yes. But did I want newer, better relationships with my friends and family? Also yes. That requires learning how to relate again and finding the good in people after being so blinded for years.
Negative Mentality: Years of not seeing peace in my daily life made me a… ‘Negative Nancy??’ Everything was doom and gloom. Again, I wasn’t even aware of being like this till someone pointed out that I didn’t celebrate any of the good things they had just excitedly told me about. I will tell you, negative thinking is like an addiction; this habit was hard to admit to and hard to break. I found that mindful speaking was my first step toward making a change. Listening to hear and process before listening to respond made a huge difference in my mentality. Now, I’m not always one to rain on someone’s parade.
Never saying No: As the subject of a narcissist’s supply, I was groomed into always being available, always wanting to bend over backward to please him. I sought that validation and found small dopamine hits when I got scraps from him. This grooming built a habit of never saying no to anything. I was always available, always made money, time, or resources appear, whether I really could or not. I wanted easier days and to avoid arguments as much as possible, so this man got everything he asked for at the moment. Now that I’m free….I’ve continued this bad habit in my new life. It manifests when I’ve overbooked myself or made a commitment I’m not really interested in. Learning to say no has been life-changing and scary for me. Doing too much was all I knew.
There is no magic sauce behind changing bad habits. You can only change bad habits with good habits, bolstered by good mindsets. To be fully transparent, I am still working on this. But one thing that has helped me with stopping these behaviors is accountability and journaling. I established tools such as a habit tracker and daily journaling about my life to give myself a lens to see the truth. I also forced myself to take heed to what people around me were saying. Remember, the fog has lifted in your life…. And there will be truths exposed that are hard to swallow. But change is good, and the first sign of true healing.
If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.
God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available