How Narcissistic Christian Abuse Distorts a Woman's View of Herself and God

“God hates Divorce”, which made me feel like the devil for wanting to get away from this man. If he claimed Christ, why did he treat me this way?

Jun 15, 2026

Spiritual Abuse….in my opinion, is the absolute worst kind there is. While I know some may disagree, I think the demoralizing of someone’s relationship with God is the core to all of the other forms of abuse. Physical abuse, is visible. Financial abuse, is traceable. Verbal abuse, can be heard. But when it comes to the emotional/spiritual forms of abuse, this is where the invisible bruises are. And, this is also where the most charismatic narcissistic abusers are, the ones that are more intellectual as well as better actors. Its never the outright mean ones you have to worry about really, its the ones that hide their objectives right in public.

a woman with grey hair sitting in a church

Spiritual Abuse Changes How We See Ourselves

The most dangerous thing abuse stole from me wasn’t my peace. It was my vision. I stopped seeing myself as God’s daughter and started seeing myself through the eyes of the husband that was hurting me.

I began to believe:

I’m too sensitive.
I’m hard to love.
I’m not a good wife.
If I were more submissive, this would stop.
God must be disappointed in me.

Over time, identity becomes shaped by criticism instead of truth. It is my personal opinion that attempting to rob anyone of their security in Christ is the highest form of abuse and offense. Jesus had many incidents in the bible where he condemned the abuse of the weak. One of the most notable being in John 2:13-17, where Jesus ransacked a temple where the wealthy religious authorities were using the temple as a corrupt marketplace, specifically exploiting the poor and preventing Gentiles from having a peaceful space to pray. So essentially, a stronger party was barring a weaker party from feeling free and secure in their faith with God. This is similar to a husband creating mental and spiritual barriers to his wife when it comes to her freedom in Christ.

Christian Women will stay in abuse thinking God wants them to.

With these scenarios, the abuser weaponizes the word to create guilt behind any desire the victim may have to resist their controlling nature. They will say things like:

“God hates divorce.”
“A wife must submit.”
“Marriage is hard.”
“Pray harder.”

But rarely hear:

God never authorizes cruelty.
God never commands abuse.
God never requires a woman to become a doormat.

This is something I am extremely familiar with, as my abuser was a legalistic, judgemental Christian. This combined with his mother issues, I was in a situation where his entitlement, combined with the challenge of being required to submit , per God’s Word, left me without many options. As a Christian woman, I wanted to please my God. I also knew how important marriage was, and I wanted to resist any attacks or temptations by the enemy. So naturally, I wasn’t trying hard enough right? I was the problem because in his very strong ‘I’m a better Christian than you” opinion, I could not be in God’s heart if I wanted to break up our marriage. There were endless nights I spent in my prayers, in my journals, and in my tears, stressing over whether God will love me when all I could think about was being free of this man. I went to church, I prayed, I read my word, and I reached for God countless times, crying out for mercy related to how I was feeling toward my husband.

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Ephesians 5:28-29

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they fed and cared for their body.”

I can definitively say that I NEVER would have stayed with this man 15-years if I had truly recognized my worth and value in the eyes of God. One of things I like to say today is, “I was worth dying for, and I’m going to live like I am”. When I tell you, I had to WORK HARD at getting this to stick in my head. Because narcissists will make you feel like you are being prideful and cocky for boosting your self worth ideology, but I encourage you to push through that. Lack of self-worth is the open door for a narcissist to overtake you. So pour your energy into syncing your self-worth with who and what GOD SAYS you are, not the demonic energy of a narcissistic abuser.

Jesus saw you, your life, and said “She is worth this trip to the cross”.

Colossians 3:19

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
Not only did God say husbands were to love their wives, he told them not to be harsh with them. What’s amazing about God is that He also tells wives to respect their husbands, which naturally comes when a woman gets love first. So, the balance of care is always there when God’s word is truly followed.

1 Peter 3:7

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect...”
Spiritual abusers are avid users of God as a weapon and a form of security for their victims. If they don’t have other means like money, property or resources, they will use God as a last resort to keep you locked in a mental and spiritual prison. But, much like Jesus flipping tables, you can break free from this. I want to leave you with some reminders that I would encourage you to to repeat daily:

Jesus has created a path directly to God, the Father. Nobody gets to control my path to Him.

I was worth Jesus dying, the highest of heavenly prices was paid for ME, so I will walk in that value.

God’s love is about protection, growth and safety. It is NEVER about allowing harmful dominance.

God does NOT play about His children. I will never allow any person to create a barrier or limits on my relationship with God and my value in HIS love.

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