How to approach money in marriage, after financial abuse
‘We weren't combining much of anything, in fact, none of our household debt was in joint names. Our system was to solely rely on my credit score and my income, with him being in control and ordering w
When you have survived financial abuse, money carries a heavy emotional weight. You might be staring at a stack of shared bills wondering how couples actually merge their lives without losing themselves 1. The idea of combining finances can feel overwhelmingly complex and deeply vulnerable 2. But approaching your finances proactively doesn't have to be a hassle; instead, it can be a process that gives you confidence in your future
My Story…..
Finances were truly the centerpiece of my marriage. While I knew it was important to find a joint system, my ex seemed to be unusually obsessed with what my financial status was, and how much access he had to it. He said constantly that ‘we’ should make a certain investment, or it was time to purchase one thing or another. And before I realized it, years had passed and I had purchased 3 cars, 2 houses, opened a series of credit cards, and my retirement never made it past $35,000 due to constant borrowing. ‘We weren’t combining much of anything, in fact, none of our household debt was in joint names. Our system was to solely rely on my credit score and my income, with him being in control and ordering what could or couldn’t happen with the money.
Needless to say, my marriage wasn’t the healthiest display of balance between a married couple with their finances. Because money is such an important part of all our lives, it is very important that we not only respect each person’s monetary needs, but also mitigate the stress that could come from managing it.
When “Protection” Became Control
In a landmark interview with Oprah, author Belle Burden reflected on her financial awakening following the collapse of a 20-year marriage. She identified a seductive trap for survivors: “the luxury of not knowing.” While it may feel romantic to be “taken care of,” Burden warns that the flip side of protection is control. When you surrender the big picture to a partner, you surrender your agency.
Burden advises survivors to listen for the “whispers” that indicate a partnership is tilting toward control rather than collaboration:
Tactical Prenuptial Changes: Look for last-minute revisions to legal documents. Burden specifically highlighted a change where assets earned during the marriage were not split unless affirmatively placed in joint names—a technical detail that can systematically deplete a partner’s long-term security.
Asymmetrical Transparency: One spouse monitors the other’s personal spending down to the cent while remaining vague about their own income, assets, or financial health.
The “Hysteric” Label: If you raise financial concerns and are met with “you’re crazy” or “you’re overreacting,” it is often a tactic used to dismiss the narrative and maintain a vacuum of information.
Addressing Past Debt and Financial Infidelity
A healthy “Financial Enterprise”—a term for your partnership—cannot be built on secrets. Financial infidelity, characterized by deceit such as hiding accounts or secret spending, often stems from conflict avoidance or a desire for self-protection. For a survivor, being accountable for your history is a step toward reclaimed power.
A Step-by-Step Guide to the Debt Conversation
Start Early: Discuss finances as soon as the relationship becomes serious, ideally before cohabitation or marriage.
Own the Narrative: Be accountable. Disclose past debts immediately to build the trust necessary for the relationship to survive.
Collaborate on a Plan: Decide together if you need professional debt settlement, consolidation, or a joint budget to tackle balances as a team.
Create a Structural Budget: Use budgeting as a neutral tool to assess health and eliminate the stress of the “unknown.”
Yours, Mine, and Ours
To avoid “financial suffocating,” a hybrid approach is the gold standard for survivors. This structure ensures you maintain an “autonomy fund” (often referred to as an exit fund in protective states) while still participating fully in the partnership.
The Hybrid Structure Checklist
Joint Account: For the “Ours” bucket. Used for non-discretionary household bills (mortgage, utilities, groceries) and shared goals.
Individual Accounts: For the “Yours” and “Mine” buckets. Used for “fun money” and personal debt obligations. This prevents the need to “check in” for every purchase, preserving dignity and independence.
The Proportional Split Formula: To calculate your fair share, use the following: (Individual Income / Total Household Income) x 100 = % Responsibility
Example: If you earn $4,000 and your partner earns $6,000 (Total $10,000), your responsibility is 40%. On a $2,000 rent, you pay $800.
The Monthly Money Date
A “Money Date” is a scheduled, intentional time to ensure you are on the same team. Follow this 7-step checklist:
Review Last Month’s Spending: Focus on alignment with your shared values.
Check Shared Savings Progress: Visualize your goals (e.g., emergency fund, travel) to build momentum.
Identify Upcoming Big Expenses: Look ahead 30 days for irregular costs like insurance or gifts to remove the “surprise” element.
Celebrate a Financial Win: Share one personal win (e.g., “I resisted an impulse purchase”).
Confirm Bill Status: A quick housekeeping check on utilities and mortgage.
Review Debt Payoff Progress: Look at current balances compared to last month to stay motivated and celebrate the decreasing debt.
The Stress Check-In: Ask: “Is there anything money-related causing you stress right now?” This prevents tension from building beneath the surface.
Choosing Joy and Clarity
The transition from “not knowing” to “knowing” is a profound act of self-reclamation. As Belle Burden shared, there is a specific form of joy that comes from replacing a “nub of worry” with clarity.
In your new partnership, it is time to move the spotlight. Shift it away from monitoring your partner’s behavior and place it firmly on your own well-being and your shared goals. This clarity is “better than everything lost.” It is the foundation of a life built on agency rather than dependency. Money should not be worshipped or valued more than your marriage. It is important to find a way to make sure your home is taken care of, that both parties are contributing and that money is never used as a weapon. Remember, money is a tool, nothing more.
If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.
God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.