How to break the habit of rumination

He had lived rent-free off me for our entire marriage… and now I was letting him live rent-free in my mind. I learned the hard way that ruminating over what happened was keeping me in a mental prison.

Apr 27, 2026

DEFINE RUMINATION

Rumination, by definition, is a repetitive, intrusive, and negative cycle of thinking centered on past circumstances or uncertainty about future events. This habit is often linked to impactful events in someone’s life, where the outcome was either out of their control or negatively consequential due to their mistake. For example, you may meet someone for the first time and later obsessively think about whether you impressed or didn’t impress them. I have yet to meet a fellow survivor of domestic abuse who is not a consistent ruminator. In fact, it is my personal opinion that PTSD from these situations is directly correlated to how long and often a person ruminates about their circumstances.

My experience with rumination really comes from my family. I had a very large extended family (Grandmother was the baby of 13) with cousins for miles! Whenever we got together, there would always be memories and stories being told about the past. My grandfather would pride himself on knowing how all the folks were related, their names, and everything. So I definitely developed a habit of looking back. And that is ok, for circumstances like family reunions or for remembering how you learned a hard lesson so you don’t repeat it. But when it came to my abusive marriage, rumination was a habit I didn’t exactly need.

It was like a ninja, sneaking up on me at times I least expected. Folding clothes, cooking dinner, watching TV… driving. And my rumination would eventually escalate to talking out loud to……nobody. I’d start replaying conversations, arguing with him again in my mind, and playing a scene in my head where I said something different this time. Next thing you know, I’m down a rabbit hole of the past that it’s hard to pull out of. Now my mood has shifted. I have tears welling up in my eyes, or I’m grouchy, and the people immediately around me are wondering if I’m ok. Can you relate to this? Battling and re-battling in your mind to the point of exhaustion? Or how about obsessing about what someone is thinking about you, or saying about you? Your thoughts drift to your last interaction with them, and now you are taking it apart, every intonation and reflection scrutinized. Ma’am, (because I know we women do this crap more than men) let me tell you….. No, this is not ok.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT CONSTANT RUMINATION

If you have taken an honest look at yourself and have come to the conclusion that you are indeed a toxic ruminator, it is now time to make the choice to get out of your own head.

MINDFULNESS

This was something my counselor opened my mind up to. She asked me why I wasn’t paying attention to certain things that were in front of me. She actually assigned an exercise to have me list all the positive present events and people in my life, and to go into great detail about each of them. Ultimately, I became more aware and present in every situation. Being intentionally mindful calms the Default Mode Network in your brain, as doctors call it. This is what I like to call your thought ‘neutral gear’ or where your conscious mind goes when there is nothing prevalent happening to you. So I’d definitely start working those mindfulness muscles, and start to slow down, look around, and let your present situation lead your thoughts instead of drowning in the wandering thoughts of the past.

EXTERNAL POKES

I love that our smartphones have technology that lets you limit the time you spend on certain apps. You can set it to stop you from doomscrolling all day, getting lost in a bunch of distractions that don’t do anything good for you. How about we try doing this with our bad rumination habit? Sometimes you just need a gentle push in the right direction, a reminder, a friend,...even signs on the wall in the house that inspire you not to sit there and stew.

HAVE SOMETHING TO DO!

Lately, I’ve started trying to follow what some YouTube gurus say and put the screen away before I go to sleep. Instead, I pick up a book, maybe write in my journal, or study a Bible scripture. The same advice applies to those of us who use still time, like right before bed, to drown in negative thoughts. I can remember times early on in my divorce where I would lie down for bed, and instead of something calming and positive, I lay there in a funk, sometimes in tears, thinking about the past pain. Start taking note of times when you could replace rumination with something that helps with your healing. That could mean having a book on you at all times to read, picking up the phone to call an accountability partner, or even a playlist that changes your mood. Idol hands are the devil’s workshop, right? Don’t give the thoughts as many chances to catch you; fight back with positive, energizing thoughts.

Have you allowed yourself to drown in the negativity of the past for too long? What habits can you put in place to give yourself the mental space to heal and rise above the temptation to ruminate about your trauma? I’d love to hear your stories on this! Please leave a comment down below and consider subscribing to Steffie Jean-Lee!

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