I should have asked for a prenup....and you should too!
If I ever had a time-machine, and could fix just one thing in my past, it would be to tell my younger self to never marry that man without a prenup.
Prenuptial Agreements. Wow, has the stigma behind this subject gotten pretty bad? But, ladies, I am here to tell you… and listen carefully…. YOU…NEED…A PRENUP. Period. And let’s take it a bit further…. You need a prenup before you know you need it. What I’m saying is, protect yourself. “But what about love, Steffie?” or “I don’t want to scare him off because I asked for this”. And that’s where we are losing ourselves. The idea that a person could force you to minimize your financial security to make their ego feel better just makes my blood boil. But that is today, on the flip side of a painfully nasty divorce that would have been so much easier had a prenup been in place.
“I don’t want to scare him off because I asked God for this.”
Prenuptial….’ Insurance’
You buy insurance because you hope you don’t need it. You never know when a storm, earthquake, car accident, or fall down the stairs is going to change your life. So just in case, they have insurance to make sure that recovering from that life crash is not as difficult as it could be. So why don’t they change the name to “PreNuptual Insurance?” Just in case your flawed human selves can’t keep this union afloat, nobody has to have a rough landing. I think this is a good idea, but somehow the message of self-protection has been reframed as being ‘selfish’. In my experience, I was so blinded by the desire to have love that I let his insistence that we didn’t need legal protection feel like leadership. Here are a few FALSE mentalities that women believe when they are being convinced not to ask for a prenup:
“If something happens, the courts will divide it equally.”
“We should be in love enough that we don’t need this.”
“Marriage is about trust. Why don’t you trust me?”
“You handle so much, dear, let me worry about the money, and I’ll take care of you”
“You don’t love me as much as you love your money.”
Which one of these narratives was presented to you? What made you believe in it, and how could a ‘prenuptial insurance’ policy have changed your life at the end? When researching this topic, I saw one very constant thing amongst the women with this story. They all said a version of this phrase:
“I went along with it, because I wanted to please him”
So I want to specifically address this because I definitely don’t believe it is wrong for you to want to please a man (or woman) that you feel love for. That’s natural, and God built us that way on purpose. Where I think the narrative breaks down is that we are diving into the desire to want to please them before we know everything, and that is a tragic flaw. Financial abusers are very much about the long game when it comes to their objectives. My ex was slow but calculated in his tactics of ensuring that, should I decide to leave him, he would be able to gouge as much as possible on the way out the door.
By the time I realized I was being abused, it was too late.
I had played the juggling act of keeping our household finances afloat, was robbing Peter, John, and Mary to pay Paul, and was busy trying to keep his expectations alive. This got so bad that my parents had to start supplementing for things I wanted to purchase, because I couldn’t dare ask permission to buy something big, no matter how much money I made. My normal life was to ensure every bill was paid, every debt was handled, make sure HE got an allowance, and have an explanation for everything when he started digging into my accounts. I had worked so hard for so long, and sometimes I just wanted a little treat for myself. When I brought those to the table for discussion, he would talk me out of it, or put a requirement on it before I was ‘allowed to buy’. But best believe, when he wanted something, there better be money there on the spot for it. A few things I didn’t catch until the end were:
He had access to credit cards that were in my name only. He would use them but never help pay them.
He made excuses every time it came to taking on a new financial obligation, making sure his name was never on the account, but making sure he had access.
My credit became “Our credit”.
My retirement was treated as an additional credit line and an option for big purchases.
I needed permission to open new accounts, even in my own name.
He picked fights any time the subject of his getting a job came up.
As I continue this series, I’m delving deeper into not only the monetary damage from financial abuse but also the psychological effects of being a victim. Please share your story, as this is the only way to bring enlightenment to such an important subject in a relationship.
If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.
God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.