Protecting my energy while healing from a narcissist
Healing is a 24/7/365 event. Every experience can challenge your ability to hold things together and keep moving forward in your healing journey.
Being a six-figure girl, I’m used to having to work hard and exude energy. I’ve found that giving the best of myself to everyone else has a limit. That limit is whatever mental gas I have in the tank. When you are determined not to fail at something and you are an ambitious woman, draining every bit of your energy seems like a no-brainer. I mean, of course, I’m going to work hard till I drop for the feeling of victory at the end.
But recovery is a whole other endeavor that I never considered. It is long, draining, and it seems like you aren’t making progress, no matter how hard you try. Ok, I don’t want you to be discouraged by this! Recovery is definitely worth it. But this is really a reality-check post, acknowledging the work part of recovery. So what is my advice on this? We have to be granular in our thinking about what we can handle in a season of recovery.
The whole premise of starting this substack was to acknowledge that even powerful women need to balance their time and energy to get through the grueling reality of mental abuse recovery.
Here are some of my suggestions for protecting your energy in this season:
Be very intentional about rest - Rest should be a non-negotiable, especially now.
When you were a victim of abuse, rest was a luxury. You spent a lot of your days stressed, overthinking, and likely not getting enough sleep. Rest is one of the most important parts of your survival and should take a front seat in your recovery efforts.
You CANNOT operate alone right now; ask for help.
Girl, I don’t care how strong you are; in this season, you are most definitely at one of the weakest points of your life. If you don’t reach out to someone, you’ll set yourself up for failure. God did not design us to be alone; community will be part of the success seen in your journey. Reach out for good people, and lean into being taken care of. As scary as that sounds, your isolation keeps you a victim; the community frees you from that.
Flying monkeys need to be eliminated… PERIOD
One of my favorite content creators made a video in which she recited her right to remove someone from her life. I must have played this reel 50 times, because I needed to memorize this for the flying monkey attacks I’ve endured. For those who don’t know, ‘flying monkeys’ are the people in your life who interject their opinions about your relationship with the narcissist and interfere in your efforts to recover from it. An example of this would be a friend that critisizes your decision to leave, or a relative who works overtime, pointing out every negative aspect of your circumstances. These people need to be eliminated from your daily circle ASAP. Recovery is a sensitive process. The last thing you want is a person who is working to influence you to return to an abuser. Let the door hit em’...... You know the rest.
Be cognizant of rumination habits
This one is personal. Because I come from a family that relishes remembering the past in great detail. Ruminating about what happened is something that I was raised to think was normal. So you can imagine how it fits into recovery, right? But let’s be clear about what rumination is versus just remembering. Rumination is the obsession of recalling and mentally replaying events in your life, often associated with trauma. For me, that manifested as a habit of replaying old memories and arguments, sometimes out loud, and changing the outcomes. I like to think of rumination as remembering a fantasy, only to be disappointed when you wake up to reality. This habit is hard to break, but so freeing when you do. My suggestion? To practice mindful thinking. Being in the moment on purpose and participating in your surroundings will help to alleviate the temptation to sit and cycle through thoughts that are keeping you handicapped. Journaling is something that can take the rumination pressure off as well, giving your brain the satisfaction of getting the thoughts and feelings out of your head and keeping you from going over it again and again
Your energy is crucial to your recovery in this delicate season. One good blanket rule for this? Pay. Attention…… Period. Your self-care was abandoned when you became someone’s supply; it’s time to make deposits back into that account.
If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.
God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available