If I’m being completely honest, when I was younger, “emotional immaturity” just sounded like some buzzword you’d skim in a psychology article and move past. I certainly didn’t think I needed to evaluate a man’s emotional mentality before standing at an altar and saying “I do”. But looking back now, the warning signs were right there from the start—we just have a habit of rationalizing them when we’re in love.
The “casual” comments that aren’t actually jokes
One of the first things I brushed off were the side comments. When people fight, sure, emotions run high and things get said poorly. But the real warning signs didn’t even happen during arguments—they happened in normal, everyday conversations. He’d drop slurs like “faggot” or casually throw around “retarded” as if no one cared, leaving me standing there pausing and thinking, “Did he really just say that?”
At the time, I passed it off as bad humor or sarcasm. But using sarcasm or crude jokes to hide disrespect or avoid being vulnerable isn’t harmless. It always turns into a major issue in the relationship down the road.
The argument shell game (when Item A turns into how you said it)
Then there was the way we argued. Whenever I brought up a genuine issue or made a solid point about his behavior, he would instantly shift the direction of the conversation. He’d move the goalposts mid-argument so fast that, before I knew it, we weren’t even talking about the original problem (Item A). Suddenly we were arguing about Item B, or I was forced to defend how I brought it up in the first place.
Instead of taking responsibility, he’d flip the script and tell me I was “overreacting,” being “too dramatic,” or literally “faking” my feelings. He’d even tell me not to say anything to him when I wasn’t perfect myself. It’s an exhausting cycle of blame-shifting where you’re constantly made to feel guilty for simply having feelings.
Sitting across from a brick wall
The hardest part, though, was the complete lack of empathy when things got painful. There were so many times after an argument where I’d be sitting there in tears, emotionally wrecked, looking right at him with bloodshot eyes. And he would just stare back at me—completely cut and dry, without an ounce of remorse or acknowledgment—and keep talking as if nothing was wrong.
It is horrifying to realize someone you love can look directly at your pain and feel absolutely nothing. An emotionally immature man expects you to constantly soothe his moods and validate him, but the moment you’re the one in distress, he totally checks out.
The rush to the altar and the baggage underneath
Looking back, another subtle red flag was how fast he wanted to lock things down. He refused to have a long courtship or even stay engaged very long; he insisted on rushing to get married as fast as possible. I realized later that this was tied to control and financial abuse, but it was also pure emotional recklessness—wanting the title of having a wife without understanding the emotional commitment it takes to actually sustain a marriage.
He also brought deep-seated maternal baggage into our marriage. He’d complain about his mother, telling me she never showed affection, never said “I love you,” and preferred his siblings over him. While that’s sad, the problem was that he projected all that unresolved rejection onto me. If I was exhausted or simply didn’t have the energy to drop everything for him, he took it as a personal rejection all over again. You can feel empathy for where someone’s pain comes from, but you cannot let yourself become the collateral damage for it.
My honest advice…..
If you take anything away from my experience, let it be this: emotional maturity isn’t just a nice perk in a partner—it is the foundation of whether a relationship can actually survive. When it’s missing, you end up bearing 100% of the emotional burden until you are completely burnt out.
If a man avoids real conversations, gets defensive every time you share a feeling, or rushes you into a commitment before you’ve seen how he acts when things get tough, pay attention. You deserve someone who can sit across from you, see your hurt, and actually care. Trust those quiet, subtle red flags early on—because your peace of mind is worth protecting.
Steffie Jean-Lee is a survivor of domestic abuse and coercive control. She is the founder of SJL C.E.O Society and has a personal mission to share her testimony with others that may be lost in the fog of abusive relationships and employment. All advise given on this platform is meant to encourage survivors to educate and free themselves of their trauma, while encouraging recovery efforts.
If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.
God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.