Who Am I Now? Rediscovering Your Identity After Domestic Abuse
I woke up to realize that he had programmed me to be just like him….and I didn't recognize myself anymore.
At about year 10, right after the twins were born, I noticed dark circles forming under my eyes. I had been looking at myself in the mirror all my life and this was definitely something new. At first I thought, well it’s just age and it’s my time to start showing my ‘40’. I thought this all the way up until just a year ago, 3 years after being free from my abuser… and I saw less darkness in my eyes. Then it hit me, back then I had gotten comfortable with seeing myself damaged, not realizing the truth underneath, that I was falling apart. I woke up to realize that he had programmed me to be just like him….and I didn’t recognize myself anymore.
True healing from a toxic relationship or circumstance first takes recognizing that you have lingering issues. You have to clean the mirror to see the problems before you can really fix them right? While it is tempting to sink into your ‘normal’ and say things like “This is just the way I am”, I would encourage you to dig a little deeper and think.
Don’t you want change? You are tired, drained, and distant. You’ve probably lied to yourself for a long time about what is really going on and maybe it is time to look deeper.
You left for a reason, what is that? Do.Not.Forget…. Ever. Especially when the forces of flying monkeys and hoovering come to challenge your ‘why’. You must always be able to recall why you left so your mind will not let you go back.
Are you still moving the same as you did when you were there? What is your day to day life? Are you eating the same? Not working out? Continuing the same life routine you did while you were there? Isn’t it time for a new life ‘normal’ ?
Literally look in the mirror, are you standing the same, dressing the same? Maybe the narcissistic abuser never like you to dress a certain way, or wear your hair a certain way. Have you explored what you really feel comfortable with as far as how you carry yourself?
Unfortunately, I do not have an easy solution for you here. There is none. Opening your eyes to how you’ve been affected by the abuse you’ve suffered is a bit like ripping off the bandaid. Not only is it painful, but what you see underneath is probably not pretty.
So let’s change our mindset with the first of many thought provoking statements and actions.
Healing is not an aesthetically pleasing experience, it is one of the ugliest and most necessary components of a healthy life.
Lying to yourself about how bad it is, helps nobody. Be Honest!
Practice taking inventory of what is directly around you. Be specific about this!
I live in a nice home
I have a good job
It is a sunny day outside
I can call a friend if I want to
Eliminate excuses to be stagnant from your language. Only positive words should be coming from your mouth.
There is no deadline to be ‘normal’, but don’t take forever either.
Your identity was re-written to be the source for your abuser. If I were you, I’d spend ALL of your time working towards a refreshed, God-given identity that is just you. No catering to others, no emotional gymnastics, no lying about being ‘ok’ when you aren’t. Cut out the external influences, the urges to be a people pleaser and dare to be just a little bit……selfish. Yes, I said selfish. Because in a season where your core has been shaken, and it is hard to understand what you really want out of life, turning inward and talking to God is the only way through.
If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.
God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.