There is nothing more frustrating than having someone ask you a question like, “Why didn’t you xyz to stop them from doing abc?” And after some angry outbursts, I realized they were actually right. In fact, I now know that it is more emotionally productive to work on amplifying your skills behind detecting and avoiding toxic people before they can suck the life out of you.
The only thing is, toxic people normally have the most incredible acting skills. In some capacity, they are aware of their issues, and probably notice that they keep losing people. And being that their number one fear is being rejected, they will turn on the ‘normal’ up to the highest volume, making it hard to tell what the truth is in the noise.
So let’s talk about being on your P’s and Q’s as far as detecting what toxic looks like. I can warn you right now, it is not as simple as hearing a typical phrase, or getting a dirty look. Toxic people can smile and hang better than most, so you need to concentrate and dig into figuring this out, for the sake of your peace!
Toxic Detection 101(My rule, 3 strikes and they are out):
Boundary Testing: They consistently push your limits, mocking your boundaries or dismissing your concerns as you being “too sensitive” or “overreacting”.
Part of being a toxic aggressor is keeping as much access to your source as possible. This requires ignorance of limits, and disregard for any expression of frustration. So take note of how often a person seems bothered that YOU are bothered by them.
The “Blame Shift”: Their apologies come with explanations that redirect fault onto you, or you find yourself having to defend yourself in arguments that they initiated.
Toxic offenders put little to no energy into accountability. They will however be super passionate about what YOU did wrong, or how their wrongdoing is a direct result of your action. Ask yourself how often you’ve been in a disagreement with this person and it starts with you demanding justice but then ending with you apologizing to them for ‘causing this’?
Passive-Aggression: They handle conflict through the silent treatment, cold distance, or sideways compliments wrapped up as jokes.
This trait I like to call the “bait and switch”. When a toxic person needs ammo for a conflict, they will often resort to stonewalling or cold-treatment. As the empath, you are going to gravitate towards wanting to reach for them, or you may have a sharp reaction, giving them exactly what they wanted. Beware of the passive aggressive nature of toxic people, as this is always laced with negative intent.
Selective Accountability: They hold you to an impossibly high standard while rarely taking responsibility for their own mistakes.
If you only remember one thing about toxic people, accountability is not in their vocabulary. Accountability requires acknowledging a wrong action, recognizing the effects of that action and feeling responsible for remediation. None of that is recognizable to toxic minded individuals. And to add insult to injury, they expect full accountability to be had by everyone around them. Carefully observe the dynamic of accountability in your relationships, and take note of the people that seem to struggle with saying two little words, “I’m Wrong”.
Walking on Eggshells: You find yourself actively editing what you say or do just to manage their moods and avoid a negative reaction.
In a normal healthy relationship, you wouldn’t find yourself editing your conversations on a regular basis. But when you are dealing with a toxic person, you will often find yourself tip-toeing around things, and tailoring responses to cater to them. This can actually backfire over time, as you slowly drift away from being totally honest about what is true and then fall into a habit of dishonesty. And mark my words, you will not have peace when you’ve begun to live in a habit of dishonesty.
Public vs. Private Discrepancy: They are incredibly charming and reasonable in public or on social media but become dismissive, cold, or critical in private.
For toxic people, their image is everything that truly matters. They have perfected the mask they wear in public. But its heavy on them, and they will eventually need to crash from the facade and that’s when you see the real person, in private. The hot/cold dynamic is mentally jarring, keeping you from feeling true peace in your daily life.
Detecting toxic behavior is not easy, but there normally are red flags. Being empathic individuals, we like to give the benefit of the doubt. But the truth of the matter is, toxic people often are so adept at hiding the truth of their character that it can be a challenge to pick up on the toxicity early on. It actually requires that you drop some of what you see as normal relationship behavior on your part, and being more a detective. You’ll find your peace when you properly develop skills of peace protection.
It is 2026 ladies and gentlemen, protection of peace and wholesome real relationship is a non-negotiable. There are too many ways to distance yourself from unhealthy people, places and situations. And if you ARE in a place where you need to engage with toxic people, the work to keep distance needs to be done internally. Remind yourself how to engage without getting involved. Find your method of protecting your insides from someone’s attempt at poisoning you. It may cost a relationship, which is not something that should be taken lightly. But I would rather not keep you as a friend than spend every day worry about how valid our relationship is and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Thanks for reading Steffie’s C.E.O Survivors- 'Crowned, Empowered,Overcomers'! This post is public so feel free to share it.
If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.
God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
