The Quiet Exit: Preparing For Your Divorce from an Abuser
“Family law attorneys report that clients who wait too long routinely express regret in waiting too long, wishing they had acted sooner and been better prepared”
You’ve known for a long time that this wasn’t working. You’ve made excuse after excuse for how you got here, but now it is time to make a move. But let me tell you, getting out is NOT something you do on a whim. I really wanted to share this with you, because being on the other side of a bloody mess of a divorce, I would give ANYTHING to take a time machine back to where I was before starting to move and tell her just one thing….
“YOU NEED A PLAN CHICK!”
Divorce was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. What makes it even more difficult is that you need to make some of the most life changing decisions in the midst of it when your emotions are through the roof. Staying level headed is easy to say but damn if it wasn’t hard to execute.
DIGITAL SAFETY
When you are ready to move on your journey to freedom, one of the first actions needs to be shoring up your digital presence. Take your time doing this because you don’t want to miss ANYTHING.
Change your main email address for all divorce communications
Disable your GPS tracking (If this is something you have shared between you)
Inventory any shared photo albums that may be syncing
Consider opening a Google number that is for private communication (This is free!)
In my case, my ex and I didn’t share much digitally, as he was already a secretive person…(gee, I wonder why). But things like my tablet or laptops were locked down with passcodes. He would get upset for me not using his favorite passwords, mostly because he wanted to be in on everything. When I tell you, digital protection will be the main strategy to keep you protected from your abuser getting the scope on the plans you are making.
ASSET ASSESSMENT
Who’s name is on the lease/mortgage? Which debts are you paying and who is liable? Who is the beneficiary on the life insurance and how much is it? There are SO many questions to answer when it comes to asset division in a divorce. But here is where I think so many people get their wires crossed. The court does not cross emotional abuse and asset division when it is time to rule on divorce. Having a clear picture of asset division outside of what has happened emotionally is how you stay grounded going into these arguments.
Ask yourself now, “Do I know the laws for property division in my state?” I would stress the importance of this one because understanding the limitations on how the court will assess who gets what will help you prepare. There are two main methods for asset division in most US States.
Community Property: There is a mandatory 50/50 division of assets regardless of the financial factors between the parties.
Equitable Distribution : The court can decide what is considered fair per the facts of the case and divide assets as they see fit.
This is where I really would have moved differently in my divorce, as I was in a state that did Equitable Distribution. While I accurately showed that I had indeed endured the absolute worst financial situation imaginable by being the sole breadwinner and debt holder for 15-years, I didn’t magnify his abusive nature and behavior enough. Being ashamed of how much infidelity and emotional abuse I endured made me hesitate to bring it up. Not wanting to sound like “just an angry woman” made me hold back the reality of our marriage, and possibly could have swayed the court’s opinion of my ex. And this leads me into another element of preparation that I wish I would have dug into more, proof of his real behavior.
DOCUMENT HIS BEHAVIOR!
Sister-vivor…..your future self will THANK you for making sure you take the time to document your abuser’s behavior. For one, the gaslighting you’ve endured has compounded over time, and you may have forgotten how bad things really are. Keeping receipts is protecting you from being labeled the ‘crazy one’ that isn’t remembering right.
That cell phone in your hand is your best friend in this effort. Take advantage of the commonality of people holding their phones all the time, and hit the record button, every time. I started doing this later in the marriage, when I really started to realize that his number one strategy was to ‘not remember’ anything he said during our arguments. I would recite specific promises he made, and if it was incriminating against him it was turned against me as untrue. So, not only for my sanity, but for my evidence to family and friends that I was really dealing with a bad situation.
One other way of documenting my ordeals was to seek input from a professional. I spoke with the chaplain and I got his take on things. He pretty much confirmed what I was experiencing as abuse, giving me the validation that I needed to confirm my need to move. While it can be helpful to have the opinions of family and friends, a professional opinion could potentially be used as evidence if you need it in a courtroom. And speaking of courtrooms, be sure to research the laws in your state for the use of recordings in court proceedings. Be sure to protect these files on cloud drives and with passwords and such. If I had never been wise enough to record these incidents, I never would have been able to make a case to anyone that knew us about how bad of man he really was. And personally, I plan to ALWAYS keep those recordings, they are my benchmark for how far I came in my survivor journey.
Preparing for a divorce is scary and intense, especially when dealing with the elements of abuse. Remember, your abuser has an unhealthy attachment to you and will rebel against the idea that you are trying to get away from them without their “permission”. Even the abusers that are dismissive of their victims want to have full control of how things pan out, even the separation part. Part of having good preparation is KNOWING your abuser, knowing how divorce works, and learning how to move strategically in your methods of getting to freedom. At the end of the day, you can’t expect to get your victory without mapping out what steps to take and preparing for the worse, while hoping for the best. Whatever your tactics, remember to put one foot in front of the other… and DON’T….LOOK….BACK.
Steffie Jean-Lee is a survivor of domestic abuse and coercive control. She is the founder of SJL C.E.O Society and has a personal mission to share her testimony with others that may be lost in the fog of abusive relationships and employment. All advise given on this platform is meant to encourage survivors to educate and free themselves of their trauma, while encouraging recovery efforts.
If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please remember that seeking safety is not a failure of faith — it is an act of courage and wisdom.
God does not call you to remain in harm. Support and protection are available.
You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.